“All of this led me to start obtaining illicit benzos and just eating them like candy… I took the first one and I could feel a wave of euphoria run over me as the anxiety melted away into nothing… I’m not an addict!”

How to deal with the doctor
« on: July 01, 2018, 02:47:49 pm »

[Buddie]

Ill start at the beginning of my story as I feel its appropriate. I developed psychosis when I started university 4 years ago which was debilitating and somewhat scary this then led to me doing cocaine and somewhat overdosing. Since the OD I haven’t touched coke but it seems that the psychosis and OD had left me with severe anxiety. I went along to the GP who gave me a range of drugs which included diazepam and zopiclone and I would just go back and see the doctor from time to time and get more diazepam and zopiclone as needed. Now I didn’t take them everyday just when I had to do something that would really aggravate me. Now I have no doubt I got addicted to the diazepam as soon as I took the first one, it was just 2mg but it was pure bliss, I took the first one and I could feel a wave of euphoria run over me as the anxiety melted away into nothing and I felt normal which I hadn’t done in a long time.

I then had to move GP’s but it was fine as they sent me to a psych who instead of giving me 2mg when I felt like it she gave me 5mg 3x a day. Now at the time the 2mg just didn’t do anything and I don’t know why I kept taking them as they weren’t working except for sleep. Now I’m sure this should have been a warning sign to the doctor of impending dependence but it didn’t cross anybody’s mind. This GP was fine and handed them out like candies which was great (to me at the time) but then I again had to move due to uni but this time it was much further away from home in another county.

This is where the full nightmare begins, I go register at the nearest GP and make an appointment to set up repeat prescriptions. This is where I find out there are some really tricky, untrustworthy worthless doctors who shouldn’t be in the profession. I tell him what I was on with the boxes so he can see for himself and an actual unfilled prescriptions. I was on 2 anti d’s, stomach things, codeine and diazepam with an occasional zopiclone. This doctor rather than being helpful and courteous goes off on me about have diazepam and codeine are addictive and proceedes to tell me I will only be getting the one prescription on diazepam off him and that would be my lot.

So I continue just taking them as normal and when I come to run out I make an appointment to get more to which he refused. I left and started going into withdrawal after the second day which was truly horrific and I really couldn’t cope with it all. I make another appointment with the doctor whom again refuses the diazepam but give me zopiclone to help me sleep (only 10 3.75mg tablets and I was on 7.5mg). This gave me 7 days of comfort from the withdrawals and to make a plan on what to do. In the end I ordered them of the internet as I couldn’t trust my doctor to deliver appropriate care so had to take the matter into my own hands. Anyway I ran out of zopiclone and went back to the doctor with withdrawals but this time the withdrawals were taking there toll, I this time beg the doctor for more diazepam and said that it wasn’t fair that he abruptly stopped my medication and was agains prescription guidelines. All he said to me was “that is not true and the typical response from a drug seeking patient“, I didn’t know what to do I mean I’m not an addict but this hurt me that he could have been so cruel while I just wanted help. This led me to attack the doctor which wasn’t my finest moment and was kicked out of uni.

All of this led me to start obtaining illicit benzos and just eating them like candy. The accusations and non help of a doctor again happened when I moved practice again and went round the same thing again.

Now I’m on a stable dose of 3mg of Lorazepam which I really want to come off using diazepam but would need the doctors help to do this. Im planning on another doctors office to see if I can get anywhere with them as I’m desperate to come off these drugs now and need proper help. Ive also been refused therapy, counselling and mental health services and am currently seeing a addiction centre for it but they haven’t deal with benzos before so don’t know what they are doing at all and I really don’t trust them, I meant how can I cut up a rather small tablet into 16 evenly sized pieces? How the hell do I do this it really seems impossible for me at the moment and I also dosnt help I’m on probation so if I get caught with them I have to serve at least 6 months in prison.

Welcome to Benzo Buddies. Welcome to Hell.

Two years in acute detox. Welcome to hell.
« on: March 15, 2018, 07:25:21 am »

[Buddie]

Thank you for reading. I […] my story will instill a sense of […] and encourage the reader. I AM the “hey at least I’m not that guy.”

I am 18 months off of Valium and 11 months sober. I took 20-30mg of Valium for one year. I tapered over 1.5 years to freedom.
My sobriety date is March 9th 2017 (the day I cold turkeyed suboxone)
I am a 28 year old male from California. I am a professional athlete who had 5 years off heroin/oxycodone from november 2009-January1st 2015

Part 1. Purgatory. A dissent.
January 2015. I began a Valium taper after 20-30mg a day habit for one year.
Began 600mg of Gabapentin 300mg three times daily.
February 2016. At 7mg of Valium holding for a total of 90 days.
During which time I injured myself. I fell down 40ft of steep concrete 3x (*athlete).
Prescribed oxycodone for one month. (Fractured heel, dislocated shoulder, concussion, rib damage, two fingernails ripped off and a lot of deep disgusting road rash)
Switched to Methadone.

Part 2. Cruel and Unusual. Methadone. A different kind of monster. February-June of 2016.
I had Kaiser at the time. Dr. “Devil” we will call him was overseeing my Valium taper.
The Methadone clinic wrote down I was a “five year user of oxycodone”. I told them I was five years clean. I told the intake nurse, the doctor, the receptionist, EVERYONE, multiple times I used oxycodone for 30 days and was 5 years CLEAN.
They tested me in at the highest level allowed to start. They jumped me to 72 and proceeded raised me to 100 in the quickest way legally allowed in California. I told them I wanted to do 21 day taper. Doctor said, “that doesn’t work. We need to stabalize you on a high dose and taper you down.”
Holding at 10mg Valium. Dr. Devil has no idea I quit the oxycodone and attempted a 21 days taper at methadone clinic.

At 100mg I began to die. Literally. Having only been on Oxycodone a month, 100 units of methadone while ON Valium should have killed me.
I was vomiting on a regular basis (from being OVERDOSED), I turned grey, was having heart palpitations, sleeping all the time, and woke up every night with my skin ON FIRE drenched in sweat and vomiting violently until 445am in line to dose at 5am.
While seeing the nurse one day at clinic I was screaming at her saying the methadone was killing me and I didn’t understand why I was on such a high dose only being on oxy for thirty days.
She reviewed my notes and said,”It says here you were on Oxycodone for five years. I SCREAMED,” What have you done! I was five years clean literally over and over and dove for the paperwork. A male counselor ran in and tackled me as I screamed and cried hysterically “You’ve killed me. I am going to die repeteadly.”
I requested documentation and planned to sue.

Part 3- The Methadone Mafia.
I booked an appointment immediately with Dr. Devil at Kaiser. I told him everything that had happened. *****I also told him I planned to sue the Methadone clinic for mall practice. A guaranteed win I thought****(remember this detail)
With terror in his countenance he exclaimed,”You can’t be on methadone and valium! You could drop dead at any moment! I need you to authorize the Methadone clinic to send over your paperwork immediately so I can help you.”

The methadone clinic was the enemy. I stormed in to the clinic, demanded my paperwork, and told them they were getting sued.
They wouldn’t give it to me. I cried “HIPPA” its my right! They stalled for as long as legally possible. During which time the owner of the Clinic wanted to meet me.
She was polite, and attractive. Her father a drug czar featured in magazines. She asked what was going on? I told her everything. She teared up apologizing. I didn’t care. They would burn for this. I told her to send my paperwork to Kaiser ASAP.
I remember this like it was yesterday. Her face went cold, looking down. Drawing a deep breath, gathering her composure, carefully raising her eyes to meet mine she spoke as she slowly exhaled,”I don’t trust this doctor devil. I think he has something planned. I have a bad feeling about this. Are you sure?”
“Of course!” I yelled. I was not to be fooled. The methadone clinic was the antagonist of this story. Kaiser is my private healthcare afterall!
“Okay, I’ll do it.”

Part 4- Breaking Doctor Patient Confidentiality. Betrayal and a death sentence rendered by Dr. Devil of Kaiser Permanente.
I called Doctor Devil to set up my next appointment and said I finally got them to send my paperwork.
I could not get an appointment and I was running out of Valium. It was like he was ducking me.
I finally got ahold of his nurse. She promised he would help me and got me an appointment and got me an appointment that week.

I showed up. The nurse called me back. I walk in to the doctors office eager to tell of my plans to sue the Methadone clinic. I was full of […]. Dr Devil is sitting across from me. To my left his nurse/assistant is standing against the wall looking horrificly scared and nervous. Next to her is an armed security guard staring at me.
I look back at doctor devil and ask what the hell is going on? Why is a security guard with a freaking gun in here? Why does your nurse look like she just walked halfway through watching the exorcist? (I literally said this)
Dr. Devil proceeded to say he was there to “protect ME” (Seriously).
He began to speak in a tone I had never heard. He spoke down to me like a second class citizen. A junkie. Scum.
He said that he was cutting me off the valium. He would provide one last script and I was to taper off 10mg with one script.
I asked about having a seizure or dying. He said the gabapentin would prevent seizure. He then said the armed security guard would take me to the pharmacy. He would not be liable for someone on methadone and valium at the same time. Kaiser would not allow it.

Part 5-Hell awaits.
I go back to the methadone clinic. They would let me dose but the methadone clinic owner demanded to see me.
She was right. Dr. Devil screwed me. This next part is VERY important.
She proceeded to tell me that Dr. Devil had “Told her over the phone I was actually serious on planning to sue the methadone clinic, was obtaining a lawyer, and seeking litigation.” She asked, “Is this true.”
Dr. Devil broke Doctor Patient Confidentiality. This is a capital offense for doctors. Guaranteed loss of silence, being sued successfully, and potential jail time.
I was in utter shock and disbelief. I said it was true.
It’s not legal to drop someone off methadone cold turkey from 100. But they could drop me 10 units a week (Your supposed to drop 2 units a week)
So it began. Fearing for my life I asked Kaiser to get me into detox. I was done, defeated, and ready to turn myself in to the care of medical proffesionals fearing for my life.
I was told no detox would allow me in until I reached a MINIMUM of 30 units. Modern medicine was not capable of treating anything higher safely.
A death sentence.
I have one scrip of Valium to taper off.
I was to be rapid tapered of Methadone.
I could only deduce one possibility.
A cruel and unusual death awaits me.

Part 6- WELCOME TO HELL-Rapid tapering Valium and Methadone at the same time.
The methadone clinic violated more laws never giving me my paperwork (HIPPA)
Kaiser and the clinic were sweeping me under the rug.
I tapered off methadone 100, 90, 80, 70, 60. 50. 40, 30, 7 days apart.
I tapered down to 7mg of valium while doing this.
I will not go into detail of the horror of this. I simply can’t put words to it.ng.
I’m dead.”

I hit the magic number, 30 on June 27th 2016.
I coud take no more. I was so far past done. Kaiser said I would get a sleep medication and clonidine for withdrawal. I remember thinking one thi
Part 7-Suicide

********The rest of the story deleted because my login timed out. Will finish tomorow.**************
« Last Edit: March 15, 2018, 08:06:26 am by [Buddie] »

Crazytown: “I am on 1-1.5 mg of clonazapam, hemp CBD, fish oil, and magnesium”

Trying to escape the cold dark cave named "Benzo"
« on: February 21, 2018, 04:03:08 am »

[Buddie]

Hello Friends,
I found BenzoBuddies thru hours of research online. Finding help is almost as hard as the taper, or so it seems. About 12 years ago, I was started on lorazapam(dont recall the dosage, sorry benzo brain) my family physician “helped me” when life seemed overwhelming, I had a traumatic job change, and a newborn was sick in the hospital the first week of my job. The anxiety of life and worry for my child was overwhelming… I needed a break, or so I thought. Benzo to the rescue. I still vividly remember taking that first pill. I was in the hospital with my newborn. Holding him and finally feeling relief from life, I believed I could do anything… boy if I could only have that day back…
What started out “as needed” turned into maintenance daily, along the way Paxil was added. Not knowing any better, I thought Paxil was the far more dangerous of the 2. I hated the side effects of Paxil, so I quit cold turkey. With the Benzo as my “helper” I managed life quite well I thought. But signs of the side effects started to manifest. Cognitive issues, anxiety crept back, depression, isolation, etc. So I searched for a professional with Mental health experience. I found a Psych that explained my symptoms as everyday life, that is what prescriptions are for and was prescribed a daily dose of 2mg clonazapam. This got me along for 4 years until her sudden onset of cancer left me without a Doc or therapist.
Fortunately she wrote up a report and instructions for any new physician to prescribe Clonazapam again. I found a local physician to prescribe Clonazapam 2 mg again, but my “everyday life” symptoms seemed to be getting worse. So I started dabbling in MJ/CBD for the first time in my life well into my 30’s, on the advise of the now deceased Psych. Who would do that, I thought? A church going fellow who never drank or did drugs is now willing to try illegal drugs (no offense intended, my views have changed considerably under the right direction) to get better.?
But it seemed to help get me back to myself. I was a bit surprised, I felt somewhat happy again, but now a daily user of both to manage life. This was about 1 year ago. Needless to say this wasnt sustainable and I got concerned. I approached the physician about what was going on with my head, but all I could get was I needed to get of the Benzo. No support of how or where to turn for help. Merely its time to stop, I needed to get off the Benzo. So I was given 3 months, 3 prescription of 45 1 mg pills, 1.5 a day. In doing research preparing for what was to come, I was horrified at what I found, I realized all along the “everday life” symptoms were actually Benzo side effects. Fear like Ive never felt set in, but I convinced myself I could do it. So with the help of MJ/CBD I was able to taper to .5 mg/day in 2 months with what I thought were minor side effects. Not as bad as what everyone says… But I too reliant on MJ/CBD and my asthma was not happy with vaping. So I began to wean off MJ/CBD.
And Hell hit me with a fury like I cant describe, I thought it was from the MJ/CBD withdrawals but soon realized it was minor compared to the Benzo sudden taper. Thinking MJ/CBD could be reintroduced in moderation to help. I found what worked in the past, now made my withdrawal magnified. What helped before now just added paranoia to the growing list of issues. So here I am no physician, half of the last prescription left. Full withdrawal mode. Broken down and hurting, fearing Ill lose my job as the lone provider and ruin my family. All consumed anxiety I wont have the will power to take on the challenge that lays before me. I am on 1-1.5 mg of clonazapam, hemp CBD, fish oil, and magnesium. I dont have a taper schedule, but reading the forum I realize I need to create one.
And just to add another dynamic into the mix, my insurance provider changed, so I need to explain all this to a new doctor who will accept my new insurance plan. Thank you Benzo board for hearing my story. I hope to one day be an asset to the community, but right now I need your help. Prayers are welcome and needed.

Excerpts from benzo cult hero Stevie Nicks’ shocking new bio

  • Grammy winning singer-songwriter, Stevie Nicks snorted so much cocaine and became so addicted to the drug that she had to be shadowed to keep from falling off stage when performing and needed to have someone tuck her into bed at night
  • The Queen of Rock and Roll in the 1970s and 1980s not only had a huge hole in her nose from the cocaine, but she was warned of the imminent possibility of a brain hemorrhage if she kept up her high level of consumption
  • But it was the shocking rumors that she had reverted to using the devil’s dandruff in her vagina and rectum for the ultimate high that was the eventual motivation for her to go into rehab in 1986 at the Betty Ford addiction treatment center in Minnesota
  • The Fleetwood Mac singer admitted: “You could put a big gold ring through my septum. It affected my eyes, my sinuses. It was a lot of fun for a long time because we didn’t know it was bad. But eventually it gets hold of you, and all you can think about is where your next line is coming from”
  • “All of us were drug addicts. But there was a point where I was the worst drug addict. I was a girl, I was fragile, and I was doing a lot of coke and I was in danger of brain damage,” she told author Stephen Davis for his upcoming book, Gold Dust Woman: The Biography of Stevie Nicks

TALES OF MADNESS

This strange little Benzo story of mine.
« on: July 28, 2016, 05:49:52 am »

[Buddie]

Hey there, Buddies 

First of; I just want to say that I didn’t realize that this board was mainly for Benzo withdrawal, which I hear is one of the worst drug withdrawals you can go through. I just googled something and found a forum called Benzobuddies. I figured it was aimed at Benzodiazepine fans, users and abusers alike… But now I see, however, that it was not the case haha 😛

Secondly; I just want to give you guys going through Benzo withdrawal my nicest and most pleasant feelings and thoughts. What you’re doing, no matter how you got there, is something that I wish I had the strength for. If I ever landed in the deep end of the Benzo pool, I’d choose another way out instead of fighting it, because I’m not as strong a person as one would think when looking at me.

I guess I’m just lucky that what happened to me thought me never to touch these things again as long as I live. My refusal to ever ingest a Benzo again even got to that point that I refused all sedative drugs when in the Psychiatric Hospital, not because I didn’t need them, I sure as hell did, I just didn’t want to go psychotic ever again. The doctors thinking I was bullshitting them with this Benzo story of mine because it’s not a well known fact that you can in fact go psychotic from using Benzos. Even if it’s just a tiny dose, for the first time and you’re not either a child or the elderly.

Now to that little post of mine…

I’m here to look for some reassurances, answers and to introduce to you guys a new angle to this whole Benzo thing.

That angle being; I believe that Benzodiazepines triggered my underlying Schizophrenia.

I’m very big about this whole mental health thing and believe that if it makes you better, why not? If it makes you worse, stay away from it!

It’s been pointed out to me that excessive cursing is a no-no here so I’ll try to edit most of it out, aside from those curses that I use for emphasis, those are pretty damn important to just get how massive this whole thing was for me. Life shattering is one way to put it.

So, As I said, I believe, and have I gotten a confirmation from one of the most revered psychiatrists in my country, which so happens to be my personal psychiatrist, which says that I’m not that far from the truth about this whole thing, that a Benzodiazepine called Xanax not only induced my first episode psychosis but also, somehow, triggered my Schizophrenia.

So, I was prescribed Xanax in the beginning of May 2014 and not 40 minutes, the time it takes the pill to dissolve and get into your system, after first ingestion, I entered a gnarly psychotic episode that lasted for the two weeks I took the damn drug, only ending the day after I stopped taking it, resulting in the greatest couple of days in my life…

Those couple of days, however, were the best of my life, but short were they. As soon as they ended I started becoming psychotic 2-4 times a week. It was truly awful. Each one was like those two weeks pushed into one day.

Hardcore hallucinations that encouraged homicide, suicide and self harm. Raging delusions that made me believe the most raging and extremely Paranoid things. Derealization and Depersonalization along with everything.

So, my BenzoBuddies, I entered those episodes 2-4 times a week for the eighteen months after those initial two weeks.

I had, of course, before being put on the Xanax, entered Psychotic episodes before. But, they never were a problem. I, of course, didn’t know what they were or why I was having these crazy intrusive thoughts and strong as shit ideas about all sorts of crazy things. I didn’t have the vocabulary or the trust in others to tell anyone about these episodes as I was just a small child.

This one time it happened on a plane, the voices and delusions had convinced me to open the door of the plane mid air and jump out. That I’d survive the fall too.

I just cowered in fear and entered the fetal position, not knowing what was happening. Then 15 years old.

But again, they weren’t ever a problem or as frequent until the Xanax.

So my fully functional theory is that when I was born I entered something called the prodromal phase of Schizophrenia as soon as I developed consciousness, as I remember every single negative symptom of the Schizophrenia I have today from my childhood.

Much like this. http://mentalhealth.com/mag1/scz/sb-prod.html

I entered the first phase as I started noticing I wasn’t like other kids. As soon as my parents noticed I wasn’t like other kids, I entered phase two.

Phase three, however, didn’t appear until some 16-18 years later or when I was about to turn 20, the summer of 2013, when I started feeling my first positive symptoms. Paranoia. Coming up at the most untimely times. And it only exacerbated the paranoia whenever I got stressed or enjoyed some lovely other stressors.

Then, instead of my parents noticing my paranoia or some other symptom that had appeared by then, I took the Xanax and that stuff threw me over phase 4 and 5 and just way beyond everything.

I wish to believe that if I hadn’t taken the Xanax, I would have developed some other fun old psychotic symptom and gotten “used” to it like I had with the paranoia, my parent noticing there was something more wrong with me perhaps a couple of years later and I’d entered my first major psychotic episode, the one that would’ve triggered the Schizophrenia, a few years later. Maybe in 2016, 2018 or 2020….. Maybe I should have gotten this shit through fate when I would’ve been 26 or in 2019…

I believe that me taking the Xanax was both a blessing and a curse. As it did absolutely nothing for me if we’re talking about Anxiety but caused me an extreme psychotic episode. The blessing was that I later found out what was wrong with me, what those strange feelings and behaviors I experienced as a child were and there was finally some reason for why I felt like the crap I usually feel like. The curse was that I self harmed and almost resorted to suicide which I’m not gonna go into detail with.

If I’d been allowed to experience this “first major” episode of mine in peace in ~2018, maybe it wouldn’t have hit me as hard. I could have gotten “used” to the symptoms. And when I say used to I mean that they wouldn’t have fucked me as hard up as they did.

Now I’m of course, and you might have read it, not saying that the Xanax caused the Schizophrenia like I thought at first. It simply jump-started it.

My body made a listing on Kickstarter and pledged $2 for the initial goal of the project. The project being psychosis and the goal being Schizophrenia. And one pill of 0.5 mg Xanax was enough to fill the goal instead as $2 is roughly the street value of one 0.5 mg Xanax.

For you disbelievers, you can too enter psychosis from Benzodiazepines, it simply being called Agitated Toxic Psychosis. Google-Scholar it, bro.

In my case, I believe my Agitated part manifested itself deep down in my consciousness during my psychotic episode. As I was so terrified by the Derealization and Depersonalization that those symptoms masked those Agitated feelings that the voices, delusions and paranoia fed on for the duration of those two weeks. The Hallucinations and Delusions mainly revolving around killings, whether it was my self or others and self harm.

I may be terrible at school, but I’m terrific thinking out of the triangle, putting crap together and making theories that make more than sense. And much to my surprise, my psychiatrist strongly agrees with my theories, and it’s not just to shut me up. He’s more professional than to actually do that. He’s been cruelly frank with me in the past and he’d sure as hell tell the shit out of me if I wasn’t making any sense and was deluding myself.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Anyone here that’s experienced psychosis from Xanax or any other Benzodiazepine or are some Schizophrenics here that have noticed something strange from Benzodiazepine use? I’m open for all stories if there’s anything about psychosis, depression or any other mental disorder directly related to Benzodiazepine use! 

If there’s interest, I’ll write down everything that happened those two weeks, skipping the most graphic parts of course as they’re not well seen by the mods here which I completely understand. Suicides and self harm can trigger all sorts of feelings in sick individuals, plus, it’s just not very pleasant to read about or relive in one’s mind.

DISCLAIMER: What happened to me, experiencing psychosis from a drug that’s used to treat psychosis, is what’s called a Paradoxical Reaction. Paradoxical Reactions can happen from any drugs but are extremely rare, yet somehow more frequent with Benzos than with other drugs. It’s said that 5% of all Benzodiazepine users on this little planet of ours will experience Paradoxical Reactions from Benzodiazepines at one point in their lives. These reactions are most common with children, the elderly, in high doses and with abuse.
While none of those things relates to me, it can quite well happen, to anyone, anywhere, from any medication, for any reason. That it’s gonna happen to you is still highly unlikely and if you were gonna feel these Paradoxical Reactions, odds are you would have felt them by now. They can, not only, come out as Psychosis but also stress, anxiety and agitation. Benzo Rage, ever heard of it? That’s a Paradoxical Reaction as well.
Again, and I cant stress this enough, it’s highly, unrealistically, unlikely that this will ever happen to you and is my post not some sort of fear mongering aimed at regular folks for the sole purpose of making them paranoid that what they’re ingesting might cause them to go insane. I do not wish in any way to exacerbate anyone’s Benzo induced paranoia or uneasiness with this babble of mine. I’m just here looking for some answers!
I’ve researched it extensively and it looks like that this is one of the first of these cases in the world. That is that a Benzo might have triggered Schizophrenia. So you have nothing to worry about, absolutely nothing to worry about.

Thanks for reading this Subway foot-long! I actually like Quiznos better… Baja Chicken wrap with fries? Oh god yes, I would sell my soul right now for one of those!

Have a nice day, everyone! And could someone tell me what’s up with this guy?  Is he having some sort of seizure? I feel like what you have to type to make this guy  Should be switched with this strange seizure guy… But that’s just me 

 

Kooks make propaganda film for each other (no one else will see it)

Fred weighs in on the horror that is Benzo Buddies

May 21, 2015
Fred

Benzo Buddies is full of drama queens and the stupid staff there don’t do anything about it. I’m healed and back at work. I was on Ativan for only a short while, like almost 3 months. I healed just at 1 year out. I am a cold turkey survivor. I sometimes think that benzo buddies is either operated by some people that make fake accounts on bb and leave comments to threads to purposely make you feel worse than you’re or they don’t give a damn about people who do. I’ve complained about people that started crap because they were making everyone else freak out. You are supposed to make people in w/d feel comfortable if you’re running a site for benzo withdrawal sufferers like that. The I think a lot of those people are healed and don’t want to get up off their asses and become a part of everyday society again, because they just are so used to be sick and feeling sorry for themselves. There was one guy who said he took a benzo for only a months and has been in a very bad withdrawal for 17 months. He slammed a post of mine. But there is no possible way he is suffering a withdrawal that long even if it was a cold turkey one. It’s just not possible. He also slammed me because I said it seems short term users generally heal at about the 1 year mark. He said I wasn’t telling the truth. The page is full of people that just need to go and die somewhere and I give a rats ass what anyone thinks about me saying this. Guy’s like the one I mentioned most likely has other factors involved besides withdrawal, but that’s the problem is they never bring up those factors, like if they were on other meds, doing street drugs or what ever the case may be. They only say they’re like 2 years out and not healed but never mention if they even feel better or not. There is no possible way they’ll feel the same way they felt when they were under a year off, I can guarantee that. Not for people who were short time users. They’re lying!

Saga of the Ponderosa: Manslaughter guilty verdict forces prison cold turkey

Waner drove out of Reno
headed back to the Ponderosa
loaded on pills and booze
f-u-n times
had a little, err trouble, driving
and crash! like that
He killed someone, someone innocent
did three years in the pen
Xanax cold turkey
hallucinated he was living in the Bonanza TV show
yeah
got out of the pen
wasted what was left of his life
then died
life's a gas
RIP
Re: Jon in California
« on: March 15, 2007, 02:03:23 am »

Jon

Quote from: nixnay on March 12, 2007, 11:51:52 PM

Hey, J.W., I think you think like a snuggly ole bear. lololol. or a little puppy dog, what do you think liz?

hey, jon, can you tell us all how you came out of your c/t? it is rather amazing! I think it is rather inspiring and may give some of us who have been off for a while some hope. you might have to make a song out of it just like Johnny Cash. lol.

Quote from: dave on March 13, 2007, 11:54:00 AM
Quote from: Jon in California on March 13, 2007, 11:24:46 AM
Hi Everyone.

Jay, I’ll be happy to relate the HELL I went through for 8 mos. getting off the Xanax. I’ll do it tonight after I get home, Savvy?

Y’all have a nice day

I’d really like to hear your story as well.

Thanks

Dave

OK, I’ll try to give you the short version. (LOL, It won’t be short).

After I took the plea bargain (I didn’t really have a choice), it was about 9 mos. ’till I had to show up for the sentencing. The judge told me to get my “affairs” in order because I was going straight from the courtroom to jail.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I thought the state put you as close to your house as possible to allow for visiting…. Wrong! They put you anywhere in the state system that has “bed space”. I also thought that the judge could order the continuation of my meds…. Wrong again! Once you’re in prison, they “OWN” you.

I spent 3 days in the county jail before I was transferred to state prison. They did keep me on my Xanax there.

When the prison bus showed up I had papers from my doctor telling them what I was on and how much per day. Before I got on the bus I was strip searched and the guards told me I couldn’t take ANYTHING with me… They tore up my doctors papers.

First they took me to DVI in Tracy (a prison referred to as “gladiator school” because of the number of stabbings). That’s where I was “processed”. I was given an orange jump suit, 3 feet of toilet paper and a blanket. Then I was thrown in a cell. The next day I was taken to the prison “doctor”. He asked me if I had any medical problems so I told him about the Xanax. He said that I wasn’t going to get any there. I was already starting to have w/d symptoms… The doctor saw me for about 30 seconds and sent me back to my cell… 3 days later, I couldn’t even walk. The guards said, “you don’t walk, you don’t eat”…. I kept writing notes to the warden and sending letters to the wife asking her to contact the judge who sentenced me and see if he could do something…. I never got any mail back. (I later learned that the staff does this to EVERY new convict as a “game”. They hold the mail for about a month before you get it)..

About a week into this, I started hallucinating (auditory and visual), I thought I was on the Ponderosa (Bonanza) and was standing in line waiting to get my $0.25 for the days work… I knew where I REALLY was but it seemed real to me.

I hadn’t eaten in about 2 weeks by then and couldn’t stand up. The guards just laughed and said, “looky here, we got ourselves another nut”.

I finally got a reply from the judge saying that he had spoken to the warden, was told that I was getting “appropriate” medical care and not to contact him again. I also got a paper signed by the prison shrink saying that I’d been “evaluated” by him and was appropriate for “Mainline” placement. (General population)… I had never seen the guy.

I was “wired for sound”, couldn’t eat or sleep and really thought I was going to die. The guy in the cell next to mine didn’t get into his cell fast enough for the guards liking so he was thrown in by the guard. This kid was 24 yrs. old and had severe asthma. His inhaler was crushed when the cell door was slammed on him. His cell-mate was screaming, “Man down, man down!!!!” No-one came. They found him dead in the cell the next morning…. I guarantee you that his family wasn’t told the REAL reason for his death… Everyone around him was either shipped to another prison or moved out of the cell-block.

By this time I had been there about 2 and a half weeks… Oh yeah, I also got a copy of my medical “examination”… Gee, it had a blood pressure reading on it as well as a negative TB test, heart rate, Etc… NONE of these tests were ever done.

21 days in and I was just fading in and out, laying on the floor and my cell-mate told me that I’d had several seizures (I don’t remember that). I was starting to pee blood and told one of the guards who said he’d tell the doctor. I guess he forgot.

26 days in and I was carried out onto the tier by my cell-mate, who dropped me on the floor and told a guard that I was “sick”…. They took me to the prison hospital and was told that I had kidney stones and my kidneys were shutting down… The doctor tried to get me into an outside hospital… An associate warden who’s name was Schmidt said that I’d written too many letters and they didn’t want any outside institutions to know what was happening…. They put a lot of saline solution into me, shot me up with Morphine and sent me back to my cell. The warden ordered the staff to bring me 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches a day. By this time, I didn’t even remember my name.

I’d try to eat, throw up, eat some more, throw up again and so on… Then I went before the “classification committee”. They decide your custody status and what kind of job you’ll be assigned to… They took one look at me and transferred me to Vacaville (CMF), another prison as a “cat-J” (Mental case). I got there and was thrown into another cell… I got lucky, my cell-mate had some food and I was able to eat a little here and there. My wife was denied visitation rights because the warden told her that I was a danger to myself and others and was in a PCU (Protective Custody Unit). No visitation allowed. This was a complete lie.

I saw the prison psychiatrist and told him what was going on… He said he had no choice but to reject me as a “cat-J” and sent me back to Tracy. I went before the same classification committee and they sent me down south to Solidad… Even though I was a minimum security convict, the prison did what they call a “population over-ride” and set my custody at “MAX-A” (The highest custody there is). I was in the same cell-block as Sirhan, Sirhan (Not sure if I spelled that right but he’s the guy that shot Robert Kennedy)… Again, I got lucky and got a good counselor who lowered my custody to “MAX-B“. He read my case and told me he would do what he could to get me out of there.

About 7 weeks had passed by then… My symptoms were, dizziness, vomiting, blurred vision, tingling all over, bleeding from my nose and ears, stiff muscles, ringing in my ears, insomnia, lack of appetite, muscle twitching and involuntary jerking, complete loss of bladder control, couldn’t walk, metal taste in my mouth, dry mouth, heart pounding, breathing problems, and complete depersonalization, cramps. I really thought I was going to die.

About this time a guy approached me asking if I wanted any drugs? I said yeah, get me some Xanax or valium… He couldn’t but got me something called Doxepin. This stuff put me to sleep and I slept for 4 days. At 2:00 AM a couple of guards came into my cell, grabbed me and took me to a prison bus heading for San Quentin. My counselor had arraigned my transfer. I hit S.Q. in early June.

I managed to smuggle some Doxepin in there in the bottom of a deodorant stick. It did take the edge off a little, not much.

I was placed in North-block one floor below death row. I was managing to keep some food down by then and some of the really severe symptoms started to subside. I still had trouble remembering my name and still couldn’t walk without assistance.

When I went before classification committee, they lowered my custody level to “MIN-B-ORWD” (The lowest custody level there is). At that point I was able to “front myself off” as just a regular convict… I spent 6 weeks in North-block and was transferred to “H’ Unit (Medium security) awaiting transfer to “The Ranch” (Minimum security). Drugs were rampant in there and I started snorting heroin… I could eat and function OK that way. I was also taking the Doxepin for sleep… I hadn’t seen my kids or my wife in over 3+ mos. by then.

At that point my symptoms were dizziness, muscle spasms, nausea, vomiting, loss of balance, twitching, depersonalization, mild hallucinations, severe agoraphobia (I hardly ever left my cell), ringing in my ears, drooling, severe nightmares, blurred vision, Anxiety through the roof, and shaking all the time… I could remember my name and prison #.

I lucked out again and met an old acquaintance from my younger days who happened to be the head of the Aryan Brotherhood (AB)… That’s the “gang” that “con,ed” the prison… Now the Aryans are supposed to be NON Jewish and what they do is to control all the drug trafficking. They’re called “skinheads” on the street here. “Red” (The guy I knew) and I go back to grade-school. His last name is Rosenzweig. He passed that off as a German name but he knew that I knew in reality He’s a full blooded Jew… He obviously didn’t want this getting around… He made me a deal… I keep my mouth shut about him being Jewish and he’d put out the word to protect me… I agreed and he kept his end…

Red told me who was who in there and what I could get from them… He also got my visits approved in a couple of days (I didn’t ask how). He also set me up with some of the guards that brought in drugs. Between him and my wife smuggling drugs to me, I now had all the Xanax and Valium I wanted. After almost 8 mos. of pure HELL, I started to feel “normal” again. Once the warden found out that I had a state smog inspection and repair license, I was “set”….

This is getting to be a “book” so I’m going to cut it short. I spent my last 22 mos. livin’ pretty darn good in there. I NEVER ate in the chow hall… I did so much work on the correctional officers personal cars and all the smog checks for the 250+ vehicles in there + the Golden Gate Transit authority vehicles + the wardens personal car, I always had a breakfast burrito on my smog machine in the morning, Pizza or burgers for lunch and believe it or not, steak, asparagus and mashed potato’s for dinner almost every night…. Not to mention the food I had that the staff looked the other way on…

The first 8 mos. were HELL! after that, I did pretty much as i pleased in there. I even had a vehicle assigned to me so I didn’t have to walk so much and only had to present myself once a day for “count” instead of every 4 hrs…

Also had all the conjugal visits I wanted whenever I wanted them (You’re only allowed to have ’em every 6 mos)

Well if ya’ took the time ta’ read this “book”, I hope it answered your questions… If not, let me know specifically what you want to know and I’ll be happy to answer you

Good night all!