CRAZYTOWN

I really can’t take this paranoia anymore it’s ruining my life
« on: January 08, 2021, 03:46:36 am »

[Buddie]

Hi everyone. I hope that you all are hanging in there tonight. I am not. The paranoia, which has been probably my worst symptom, is just getting worse and worse. I went to my girlfriend’s house last night after not having seen her for a week. Every little thing she said I felt like she was messing with me, criticizing me and trying to control me and judging me. I ended up getting upset with her over a game of cards. I felt like such a jerk. I don’t feel any love towards her and she just irritates me yet I don’t believe her when she says she loves me and I’m afraid she’s gonna leave me any second. It sucks because just a few days ago all I felt was how much I missed her and loved her. These emotional roller coasters make me feel like I’m bipolar. I feel so scared of everyone. I feel like I don’t wanna be around anyone because I’m so paranoid that everyone thinks I’m crazy or messed up. I feel unlovable and utterly worthless, and like I don’t understand how anyone could wanna have anything to do with me. When she tells me she loves me or friends tell me they love me I just think that they’re full of shit. I don’t believe anyone and I have no feelings except for anger and fear and deep sadness. I don’t feel like I’m in my body ever. I feel like I’m watching myself from up above. What have I become?

Mayo Clinic recommends psych ward after wife loses everything to Ashton

Nursing Home until I become healed?
« on: December 09, 2020, 09:28:18 pm »

[Buddie]

After 2 years of being bedridden, unable to care for myself, I cannot live like this anymore. My husband has been doing his best to care for me, but I have not seen any signs of improvement. My mental function is gone. I live in extreme pain, with over 100 extreme symptoms daily. I am only 56 years old but living a life of a senior shut-in.

I am wondering if any of you know people who have ended up in a nursing home because of benzo injury? What happens when our only caregiver cannot take it anymore and wants to get on with their life? Then what? I am unable to go anywhere (have even cancelled all my dr. appts. in the last years), cannot shower except for maybe once every 5 days now, live in my unkempt bedroom all alone while my husband is out living his life. But, he wants to be able to travel, do outdoor activities, ALL the things we once enjoyed together, which kept us extremely busy. He has been leaving town here and there to do some activities but has to be back by dark because I cannot be alone in the dark anymore. My mind has been damaged and I no longer have any hope. I have not had any windows and I’m only getting worse.

The guilt is unbearable to me, even though I know I didn’t cause this injury myself. What am I supposed to do?

P.S. It took me a very long time to write this and everything I have to try to make sense of this post. I cannot express myself, even in writing anymore, let alone with words.

Re: Nursing Home until I become healed?
« Reply #7 on: December 31, 2020, 10:13:04 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on December 22, 2020, 10:03:02 pm
longing

First let me tell you that your post makes sense. As awful as you feel, you are very much coherent. Your sentences string together and your word usage is accurate. As challenging as it was to write, your cognitive function seems fine here.

Your husband is tired. It’s normal. Sometimes caregivers feel they aren’t allowed to struggle, because the person they care for is struggling more. But that isn’t true. It is really lonely to be a caregiver. It is hard work. It is frustrating. It’s normal that he wants his partner to share life with him. This doesn’t make him bad or unloving. I don’t say this to guilt you. More to shine a light on the big picture. Who cares for the caregiver?

I doubt a nursing home could do much for you. First, you would have to qualify by virtue of age. You are too young. Many seniors who are very disabled are waiting to get in to nursing homes. Nursing homes are very expensive, too. Also, it would be so disempowering.
It is like saying that nothing can be done and healing is futile. Maybe this age and money thing is only true in Canada.

You say you have over 100 symptoms every day. Bedridden. Cannot even bathe yourself. There is no improvement at all. So, this is a severe and rare case of protracted withdrawal. What have you done to improve your situation? Again, not to doubt you, because you have likely done many things. Recovery is an active process. It doesn’t happen just by waiting for it. Others cannot give it to us, no matter how well they care for us. Maybe if you list what you have done, then we can perhaps add ideas?

I wish you could find someone to talk to. Possibly locate an online therapist?

I have had many tests, even been to Mayo Clinic two times. They just want to put me into the psych ward because they don’t believe in benzo withdrawal. They tell me it’s just a severe case of depression. Well, of course, I’m depressed. Who wouldn’t in my situation? But I was never depressed or had any kind of mental illness until I became tolerant to the clonazepam. I was on it for over 20 years, daily. My life is gone. I have tried many supplements over the time I’ve been suffering, but none have helped. I take a multi vitamin daily and an adrenal support supplement. I have to take .25 mg. Trazadone to help with sleep, which is pretty much non-existent still. This is the reason I was put on clonazepam in the first place. I have chronic daily migraine and for years, I have not slept. My neurologist is the one who put me on benzos and now he has flat out told me that he doesn’t know anything about benzo injury and withdrawal and therefore, cannot help me. He actually told me that if I find someone to help to let him know. I wish his life would have been ruined, like he did to me. Horrible, horrible doctor!

One of my family members thinks that if I would just start smoking weed that all this will go away. I tried it…one puff…one time about a week ago. I became even more depersonalized and it was awful! Not for me. I hear it helps others though.

If I have to continue to exist in hell like this, I won’t. There are many who have not been damaged nearly as much as I have. Why does God not listen to me? I have been a christian all my life and have always prayed, but it’s like He’s not even real to me anymore.

Two mini brownies sends kook over the rainbow

Terrifying episode
« on: November 14, 2020, 02:23:12 am »

[Buddie]

I just ate two mini brownies and my heart rate sky rocketed over 100 bpm. Is this normal!!??

Re: Terrifying episode
« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2020, 02:31:56 am »

[Buddie]

Yes. It is. I avoided sugar, caffeine, chocolate etc. Also, gluten can provoke this. Your heart rate will settle. Maybe just don’t do that again. I hope you feel better soon. Try to breathe slow and deep.

Re: Terrifying episode
« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2020, 04:03:45 am »

[Buddie]

Thanks […]

it didn’t feel like a panic attack but my heart was doing it by itself. It slowed down but it was like I was given and injection of a stimulate or coke. Not that I’ve ever tried any illegal drugs but I can imagine that is what it might feel like

Kooks terrified of balsamic vinegar

Lorazepam and balsamic vinegar
« on: May 16, 2020, 12:05:32 am »

[Buddie]

Hi this might be a dumb question but I try to stay away from any sort of alcohol because of my lorazepam use and being scared to mix it with any alcohol. Does anyone know if it’s ok
To eat? I’m getting confusing information if balsamic vinegar has any alcohol in it or not.

Brainwashed cult member wants to activate DNR if she has to be intubated from COVID-19, fears being sedated worse than dying

If have you be intubated due to virus....
« on: March 25, 2020, 02:47:07 pm »

[Buddie]

So, let’s hope this doesn’t happen to any of us but I am very concerned about this.

If ppl need to be intubated they are sedated and paralysed apparently.

I am now sensitised to all meds and still tapering.

If they gave me Benzos it would be horrific as you are all aware and I get severe adverse effects to all meds have tried to relax muscles in last year including g hallucinations and terror.

I couldn’t lie flat even on Benzos doe to spinal problems and now even with legs up can’t lie on back.

What the hell are we supposed to do in these circumstances.

I have a DNR in place so not sure if that would prevent them from doing it?

If worked and didn’t cause terror would hope for morphine but unless they were to give me enough to put me out of my misery the effects of that would be horrific as even cocodomol causes my terror etc to get much worse due to allergic sensitisation.

Due to COVID-19 isn’t it time Benzo Buddies tells its members to immediately stop tapering, and go back on benzos? Why are they torturing people?

COV19 making it even harder to taper
« on: March 17, 2020, 10:23:25 am »

[Buddie]

increased stress. Now asked to work from home.
Don’t have much equipment to work from home.
Going to work helped my socialization.
I’m in a major long hold. Fear all the stress
will just keep me on the med. Also restart SSRI
to cope with the isolation and stress. I know I
ask a lot. I ask for prayers. Ty

Re: COV19 making it even harder to taper
« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2020, 03:01:44 pm »

[Buddie]

I am not sure if it will help. However when I work from home I usually keep a TV, YouTube or radio on as ‘background noise’. This usually helps me cope with isolation.

Re: COV19 making it even harder to taper
« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2020, 10:55:28 am »

[Buddie]

I’m letting all the pandemic news scare me
bc it’s change. And I had adjustment do
even before all this. I find I can’t tolerate
SSRI ordered for me . It’s too sedating
and makes my body feel terrible. Ty

Benzo Buddies members forbidden to take anti-anxiety medication agonize over dentist visits

Going to the dentist tomorrow. Would love some support.
« on: December 28, 2019, 12:12:26 am »

[Buddie]

Hi!
I’m going to the dentist tomorrow because of a bad tooth. I have not been there in 10 years because of anxiety when it comes to the dentist. I still have agoraphobia.

Re: Going to the dentist tomorrow. Would love some support.
« Reply #1 on: December 28, 2019, 12:17:58 am »

[Buddie]

If its a lot of work to do, ask them to split the appointment into more single appointments to make it easier.
Ask them to interrupt, then stand up and do some jumps or stretches to lower the cortisol.
If you have to wait, walk around in order not to freeze in fear.
Tell the doctor that he must stop abruptly if you lift your hand.
While sitting in the chair, tap with your fingers on the legs and count from 1 to 1000.
Drink a cup of water before and after treatment.
After the appointment, move your body, shiver, shake it, jump.

You are in control. Tell them BEFORE about the stop signal, tell them to open a window, its you in charge, its your body.
If things are too difficult, stop and make a new appointment. You can decide, okey?
Tell them about your anxiety, if you want, but then TELL them about your strategies as well, because then no one will try to do things tHEY think are good for you and you might feel like a victim again. Instead – tell them while being bold and proud that you need some more time and air and you have some orders to follow – thats it. No big deal. Okey?

Marigold!

Re: Going to the dentist tomorrow. Would love some support.
« Reply #2 on: December 28, 2019, 12:19:19 am »

[Buddie]

I have been having to go to the dentist, because if alot of cavities. Another gift from Ativan. It is very stressful as I do not get anything to numb me. I only get two at a time done. Sometimes it causes a wave, but eventually it settles down. I think it’s my own fear more than the actual dentist visit itself.
You will be fine though, it will be over before you know it.

Re: Going to the dentist tomorrow. Would love some support.
« Reply #3 on: December 28, 2019, 12:21:56 am »

[Buddie]

I also have someone go with me. It makes it easier to deal with the anxiety. If you can, have someone go with you and hang out with you for awhile afterwards.