Accidental addict’s journey from opiates to benzos to a psych ward to finally joining an online cult

Minutes away from facility for dementia, following 5day detox
« on: October 18, 2019, 05:39:42 am »

Iriswoman

Following a 6day detox, arrangements were made to transfer me from an inpatient psych facility to a long term care facility for dementia. Yes, that’s how severe my withdrawal symptoms were. I know you don’t just catch dementia in a week or two. Thank God, I had enough sense, knowledge of my rights, and just enough communication skills to request a 48 hour release. This psych hospital applied an alcohol detox protocol to a 25 year Rx=compliant dependence on benzodiazepines. A dependency that started with ativan and ending the last 15 years with Klonopin. For weeks now I’ve grown so weary that I’m now begun fighting SI daily, more specifically nightly. For 8 weeks I’ve followed a extreme self/care regime with no outside support, not for lack of pleading, but can’t find any resources. Self care consists of healthiest affordable diet (no processed foods, low to no sodium, sugar, caffeine, and saturated fats) plenty of fresh produce with magnesium and potassium […] foods, adequate hydration, sleep hygiene, CBT skills, yoga, deep breathing, 30-40 min walk as able, no medications except tylenol, and aspirin. I see no pattern of benefit or exacerbation with diet, OTC meds or lifestyle. So frustrated.

I was positive that the “protracted withdrawal” business was over-reported and I would recover within a few weeks. Bolstering my thinking was having successful gone through nasty opiate withdrawal years ago without PAWS, I was certain this would not be any worse…but it is bad. This is hell. Far worse. It’s as if Satin himself reaches up from Hell and pinches random parts of my body and brain, producing unpredictable,bizarre, but always painful or bizarre sensations to accompany a symphony of intense pain and prolonged insomnia.

Tonight, I’m scared. Not just the regular unrelenting anxiety, but thoughts that now seem rational, I can’t do this anymore. The pain, the lack of sleep. I’ve not had more than 1.5 hours sleep at any time for nearly 3 months. I am going out of my mind. And yet, I still have more clarity at times than I’ve had for many years. I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER BENZO but I do want sleep, balance, and freedom from unrelenting spasms and nerve pain. I called every place I could think of and there is no help. Ironic, since the U of A and Banner Health just hosted a benzodiazapine awareness workshop in my town. Ironic because it was a Banner/UofA psych MD that referred me to the 5day inpatient detox. I’m livid when I find myself preparing to die, trying to post notes in explanations to things for my children. Certainly not with intention of self harm but what I believe to be inevitable. I don’t believe it is humanly possible to sustain this distress much longer. I’m having a good enough day today that I can actually type this intro. For that I’m grateful. I’m wearing thin on practicing gratitude and positive thoughts. I am human. I’m at my wits ends. Perhaps quite literally. Forgive the current cliche. I’m 66 with 2 adult children, both out of state and so unfamiliar with psych inpatient procedures and benzodiazapines specifically that they blame me for being so compliant with the docs, the Rx and the detox. They know the person I once was, and cannot imagine allowing such abuse. I understand their ignorance. Unless you’ve been through the inpatient process and know that the facility’s threat of an involutary commitment is most likely (and certainly, in my case) an empty one to elicit compliance and justify the maximim number of days to bill.

I will go anywhere for help and follow any sane, helpful advice. When you’ve gone inpatient and were harmed, where do you turn. Especially, when speech and balance is impaired. I can’t drive, I live upstairs and sometime balance is so bad, I cannot leave my apartment. Some days speech is so impaired, I can’t ask for help. I’ve had groceries delivered on days I can manage the logistics of ordering and receiving. Simple things have become monumental tasks. I contacted every support for mental healt. I’ve been to ER twice and was sadmitted the second time to the Neuro unit to rule out a stroke. Very expensive test ruled out a cardiac event. I won’t go again, as I’ve now read that there is nothing they can do. The offending staff at the shrink’s office did send a cop twice to make sure I was still alive. I was deeply offended. See if I’m still alive? That was it? I don’t want to just be alive. I’d like to go on living. Anyone that doesn’t see the difference shouldn’t be in the mental health business. Always so compliant and so forgiving…this time I’m so very angry. I try to convert this anger to energy to keep up this fight. I can’t do this alone and don’t know where or to whom to turn.

I’d rather be inspiring others than begging for help…but like everyone else…I need help. Btw, where are the @#$% lawyers? Who will pay for all those tests, the lost time. Rehab or as the hospital predicted, a long term care facility. Wow, all those mental health agencies competing for your insurance enrollment…disappear when I ask for help now. I rambled to exhaustion. Thx.

Benzo Buddies members compare psych wards

Womp womp psych hospital
« on: February 21, 2019, 10:50:43 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello,

So my taper has ended in the acute mental hospital 2 days ago. Not ideal. Although it’s not that terrible here. I was brought here by family for my ‘withdrawal delusions’ and nighttime terrors.

I’m at 0.06 mg ativan and have been holding. The pharmacist here and psych dr are patiently letting me taper here but would like to see me taper down here. Their diagnosis is that I am manic with delusions about ativan symptoms, and they want to go through withdrawal here to prove a point to myself that it’s not that bad. I don’t want to be on this drug anymore but I am scared to jump here. But maybe better here than at home.

There are other benzo people here. It’s sad. I dont want to say too much but it’s not a good thing to see.

They want me on 12.5 mg of seroquel. I’ve taken 2 doses. Worried about movement disorder because of fahrs.

Sx… high heart rate. Bowel stuff. Brain zaps. Tremors. Burning skin.

I think i have to stop this med soon but worried about acute in front of psychiatric team.

My question I guess is if anyone has advice.

Thanks.

Re: Womp womp psych hospital
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2019, 11:14:40 pm »

[Buddie]

I am SO SO sorry! I wound up in psyche twice and they were pretty much no help, switched my ADs, put me on gabapentin which I tried to get off and couldnt, Trazadone which stopped working, remeron which made me sick, they did get me stable on a generic brand of K but I’m still not tapering and still sick since my failed rapid taper and now I’m on ambien ::)

I suppose you can fake it as best you can to get out? then go back to your taper? Maybe?

Seroquel can help with sleep and 12.5 is a CRAZY low dose! It is safer in the hospital because they can be there if you seize or need any other meds I guess? I’m happy they let you have your phone at least, we werent allowed ours

Mentally ill cult member begs Benzo Buddies for ways to avoid being committed

How to present to hospital to avoid being forced into psych ward/detox
« on: February 02, 2019, 05:42:14 pm »

[Buddie]

So my new PCP has screwed me. Gave me 30 day bridge and referred me to a psych for taper. Unfortunately the generic from the new pharmacy made me feel sick so we asked to switch to the old one. We brought back 20 days worth of medication to her office in good faith and she wrote a script for… 5. 5 days. On a friday. Same day we finally get ahold of the psych she referred us to – doesn’t even prescribe benzos.

My friend can give me a couple more days but basically I have a week to figure out what to do or be forced to go to a hospital. But the hospital is likely to just commit me/force me into a ward or detox. I feel screwed.

What can I do in this situation? Where should I try to go to find a prescriber to taper in such short notice (1 week)? If I have to go to the hospital for “rescue”, how do I get them to help me without forcing me into a ward or detox? I’m so scared and so alone.

I’m in Anne Arundel county Maryland, if someone can help me.

For the sake of our membership, all references to self-harm and/or harming others have been removed from this thread. Please click on this link if you are thinking about suicide, self-harm, or harming others: Self-Harm/Ideation (Revised)
« Last Edit: February 03, 2019, 06:27:24 pm by [Buddie] »

Anti-psychiatry rabble at Benzo Buddies lie to their doctors out of fear of getting locked in psych wards

How are you speaking with your GP
« on: March 01, 2018, 08:43:03 am »

[Buddie]

Hi everyone,

Are you telling to your GP when you going to talk to him about a symptom like blood pressure spikes, headache, etc you are on withdrawal?

I’m afraid to tell to my GP when I’m going with blood pressure problem because the previous one want to send me back to psychiatric doctor after 5 month off when I was still in strong symptoms.

Re: How are you speaking with your GP
« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2018, 09:32:55 am »

[Buddie]

I don’t go to my GP or to psychiatrist because I would probably not tell them nice things about what I think about them, their profession and their knowledge.

Re: How are you speaking with your GP
« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2018, 10:30:30 am »

[Buddie]

I know what you mean. I thought long time same. Now I’m just afraid to go because I not want to hear any bad.

Re: How are you speaking with your GP
« Reply #3 on: March 01, 2018, 11:23:42 am »

[Buddie]

I avoid GP unless essential visit. No point. Just stresses me out.

Re: How are you speaking with your GP
« Reply #4 on: March 01, 2018, 01:00:50 pm »

[Buddie]

My advice is, YES, tell your GP that you know why you are having high BP and anxiety issues. Tell him that you have been doing a lot of homework that most in his profession don’t even bother to do. I have almost developed the opinion that if I want to get sick, go visit the doctor! If your GP gives you any condescending comments or shows any sign of brushing your concerns off as if you don’t know what you are talking about………Find another doctor!

Re: How are you speaking with your GP
« Reply #5 on: March 01, 2018, 01:49:24 pm »

[Buddie]

My GP is a good guy, who’s been doing this for 30 years, but has NEVER seen a reaction like mine.
he kinda sits there befuddled as i describe all this to him. im like “dude, im TELLIN ya im not exaggerating, and then i ramble for 10 minutes on the horror.”
He sorta skeptically believes me, and he actually feels bad, takes some responsibility. in my case, i tell him its not his fault because my whole ordeal im convinced was brought on with insane levels of binge drinking the last two years before i went sober. my alcohol withdrawal melded right into my benzo withdrawal.

hes doing what he can, taking frequent blood tests, monitoring my bp and all, but hes pretty uncertain on just what the hell to do with me. when im really struggling, hes like, well, the number one thing you need you cant take now.

its the irony of my life that 5 years ago i went completely sober, got in the gym, hit it hard, changed so many things in my life to try and “see the light” as i cruise through my 40’s…and its been an absoulte unholy hell since the day i put a beer down, quite frankly…and ive never felt as effed up in my life as i have when i went straight….yeah…

Mentally ill cult members go on SEVEN PAGE RANT to deny they’re mentally ill

Re: False Charge: BB Is Full of People with BPD
« Reply #63 on: January 18, 2018, 02:58:38 am »

[Buddie]

Your Nurse/Professor friend could be suffering from CRI (Cranial Rectal Insertion). I don’t think it is borderline! I think it is full blown CRI!
« Last Edit: January 18, 2018, 03:09:50 am by [Buddie] »

Re: False Charge: BB Is Full of People with BPD
« Reply #64 on: January 18, 2018, 03:48:47 am »

[Buddie]

OMG!!!  Now that is hysterically funny!!
Laughing like a lunatic!  Very creative disorder!
Thanks for the laugh, […]  :laugh:

Re: False Charge: BB Is Full of People with BPD
« Reply #65 on: January 22, 2018, 06:14:41 pm »

[Buddie]

And her point is?

This ticks me off. I’ve been diagnosed with this for over 30 years–yeah, I’m old–and recently received another dx of the same symptoms (although lessening in severity; a few mechanisms for this decrease have been proposed). This doc called it complex PTSD. I’m Aspergerish and was bullied and ostracised as a kid. She was adamant that that was traumatic.

ADD is another possible differential diagnosis. She ought to look up advances in the diagnosis and treatment of BPD, for there is a lot going on she seems, from OP, entirely unaware of.

BPD has nine criteria, five of which must be met to establish the diagnosis. Most of these are pretty different from one another, so guess what, psych nurse: the population of BPD patients is a diverse bunch. Those of us who are aware of our symptoms as they arise often take great pains to avoid a stereotypically ‘borderline’ response when triggered or otherwise displeased. We know that to react in the moment brings, as often as not, unwelcome consequences.

Yeah, some ppl with this condition are rageful, childish and manipulative as hell, seeking to incite drama where there need be any. Many do have anxiety disorders, for any number of reasons, and so have been prescribed that one thing we all have in common: benzos. (And since benzos are so good at dysregulating thoughts and actions, I will concede that someone with BPD who is also under the influence of benzos and/or alcohol is indeed capable of creating controversy and dissent. may seek to manipulate. May effectively do so until her target chooses to act to stop it.

But I doubt that many people with BPD who do NOT use benzos come on here to p%$# people off.

Just sayin

Benzo Buddies a nest of doctor hate

Re: False Charge: BB Is Full of People with BPD
« Reply #42 on: January 06, 2018, 01:43:52 pm »

[Buddie]

What GL friend said is judgmental and wrong. But she’s still her friend and I totally get that. I have a friend who is very offensive with her rude statements. But I cut her some slack, because I love her and I don’t want to equally as judgy.  :laugh: I think GLs friend’s statement rubbed us all the wrong way because we’ve had it with being dismissed and not believed by healthcare professionals, friends and family. It is amazing to me that there are still so many educated health professionals who have no knowledge, understanding or compassion regarding how dangerous benzos are and how real and hellish withdrawal can be. It is hard for us to believe because we are dealing with it right now and it’s ugly.

In December 2016 while an inpatient at a behavioral health hospital I was told by the APRN (advanced practice registered nurse, a nurse practitioner who can prescribe) that my meds were being changed. Lots of changes all at once including discontinuation of Adderall and Clonazepam.I questioned her about this, especially the clonazepam, and she did not like that one bit. When she asked why I thought I should continue I told her that everyone I’d seen kept me on 2 mg. She snidely laughed and asked, “Were these doctors?” I was highly offended because, heck, SHE wasn’t a doctor! And I told her yes, internists, psychiatrists and a neurologist. Needless to say she didn’t back down and I ended up in cold-turkey withdrawal.

Is it too much to ask that doctors and psychiatrists (and APRNs) stay up-to-date? Maybe they all have BPD.  :laugh: :thumbsup:

Brainwashed Benzo Buddies members sit in ER parking lots, terrified of being 5150’d if they go in

ER
« on: December 02, 2017, 07:09:53 pm »

[Buddie]

When do you know when to go to the ER?

Re: ER
« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2017, 07:16:30 pm »

[Buddie]

I go if I can’t get my heart rate to slow down. I will tolerate it as long as possible but if it goes on and on I just can’t take it. They will usually give me a dose of a beta blocker through my IV but anymore I avoid ER at all cost I feel like they think I’m crazy. One night I went to the ER parking lot and sit there and just ended up coming back home.

Re: ER
« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2017, 08:01:45 pm »

[Buddie]

Thanks […]. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m dying!

Re: ER
« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2017, 12:10:18 am »

[Buddie]

I’ve been to the ER 4 times in one year. Never been there before this.
My husband called the ambulance when he though I had a stroke. Tests where taken, the doctors said I had a TIA.
Then 3 times when my heart was crazy, felt like I had a heartattack. EKG, BP, blood tests showed nothing.

November 4 my husband called the ambulance again 😩 They got here took EKG, BP, listened to my heart and lungs.
Talked to me and my husband, I was in bed felt like I could not even move my head. Nothing wrong this time either.
Just w/d.
Very embarrassing. But I have always been treated good, nice staff.
Even if I showed up in pyjamas, crying.

Now I try not to go to the ER. I’m to embarrassed to go there again.

Bedbound, depressed and very anxious with panic attacks every day.