Years wasted tapering the Benzo Buddies way only to realize you’ll never feel normal again without psych drugs

Skeptical About Healing
« on: June 12, 2019, 04:50:52 pm »

[Buddie]

I’m really tired of feeling skeptical that I’ll ever get better. I’m 14.5 months off now, and over 12 months off all alcohol.

I’m dealing with intrusive thoughts, anger at my family for no reason, depression, anhedonia, fear, and the list goes on. I have burning in my calves still and facial pressure.

I’m just worried I’m never going to feel normal again without trying other psych drugs. I’ve done everything I can. I drink lots of water. I have been exercising daily (I am still very active). I get between 10,000 to 17,000 steps a day and do at least a half hour of cardio. I notice no immediate benefit from working out. I don’t really notice it later in the day either. I eat better, for the most part. No other drugs. No alcohol. I have recently tried caffeine again and notice it doesn’t hurt or help me at all.

I get constant reassurance from a few people who have gotten better that I will get better but it doesn’t help and I need to be hearing it all day. But I can’t do that all day. I’m just over this. Want to feel normal and enjoy things again.

Cult nerves on edge as kooks realize their heroes never recovered

Whatever Happened to Matt Samet?
« on: May 16, 2018, 05:01:39 am »

[Buddie]

I am well into my 5th year and no end in sight. I don’t get windows, just alleviated symptoms for short periods of time. I “get” this is going to take a very long time. However, I follow the long term protracted users to give me guidance and I’m just not seeing it. Matt Samet’s last post in Mad in America was from 2015.

Resolution for the New Year: Lay Down the Burden of Proof

Does anyone know of he has healed? Also, Jack Hobson-Dupont has not reported a success story. Any news of him?

Re: Whatever Happened to Matt Samet?
« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2019, 07:33:19 am »

[Buddie]

I’m going to assume that 6 years later Matt samet has not recovered from his setback. Very disheartening. I do hope he is okay.

“I live in the dark”

K taper making EMFS WORSE
« on: May 07, 2019, 09:24:26 pm »

[Buddie]

The lower I get on klonopin the EMFS get worse
I live in the dark
Anything with voltage
Are my voltage gated calcium channels open?
I do have mold toxicity and that’s the reason for EMFS BUT they’re still getting worse coming off klonopin
I can’t live at all
I read about it but still not taking it all in
Do these VGCC close eventually ?
Thanks

Re: K taper making EMFS WORSE
« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2019, 01:05:37 pm »

[Buddie]

I know someone who was on Ativan… got off slowly. She has the EMF thing. First it was screens, phone, computer, now apparently anything that plugs in!
What effects do they have on you?

There is some place in W.Virginia, I think, a place free from EMFs…

Cult member turns to alcohol to feel normal after benzo taper fails

Where to live? Dilema
« on: May 07, 2019, 04:52:24 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi everyone,

I need to make a major life decision and whilst I have people who care for me trying to help I feel like the only people who can truly understand the factors involved in a decision like this are others who have gone through or are going through b.withdrawal. Therefore any comments on this would be hugely appreciated.

I’m due to move house next month but the area I want to move to is very expensive. The reason why I want to move there is because I have some friends and contacts there, and feel I’d be able to my life forward. Whilst going through withdrawal I’ve been making some extra income with art and illustration and think this city will facilitate being able to take that to a career-level. (Which is also amazing therapy). I have also been producing some music remotely with a guy who lives near there and if I moved closer we’d take the music to another level too. In a nutshell I feel like it’s the place to be to start getting myself back on my feet and feel some sense of ‘living’ and working again, even whilst still in recovery.

I’ve lived in numerous different cities and across two countries for work throughout my twenties but I turn 31 next week and I’d like to put some roots down – which this city feels right for.

One major thing is the fact that since being in withdrawal I have been relying on alcohol to feel ‘normal’ when going out and about. It’s not been regular, I’d say I’ve been housebound on average 5 days a week and then will have a couple of glasses of wine to meet up with family for example at the weekend – that kinda thing. It’s something I’m deeply ashamed of, although now I understand this was due to withdrawal. But, I know in order to make a full recovery I need to steer clear of it, maybe for a year and allow the brain to heal. That’s my goal. To do that living alone seems like the best option, rather than with a housemate. If I’m around people when I’m feeling particularly bad it’s too tempting sometimes to have some wine to ease the symptoms (otherwise literally the symptoms can get so bad people call for paramedics despite trying to suppress/stop them).

It seems the most realistically way to do this self-styled ‘rehab’ is to be in an environment that I can control. I’ve also had bad luck with housemates during my twenties where they’ve always turned out to be slightly nuts and I don’t think I can handle the stress of that again, especially at the moment.

However, the cost to rent a studio place is above what I can afford whilst relying on disability support (due to withdrawal). I’m two and half years into this and hopeful in a year or so I will recover and therefore be able to work again. So my friends and family are encouraging me to get something above my budget, even offering to help financially a little in the beginning and telling me to be positive that I’ll be able to work again soon. But, as we all know from BW it’s unpredictable and it’s one thing being positive I will be able to work again soon, it feels like another thing betting the roof over my head on it.

So here are the options I’ve come up with but I’m just going round in circles in my head trying to figure this out – hence reaching out on here.

Option one:
I rent something suitable for my health, slightly above my budget, accept some help from my father and work hard to get my art and design business off the ground to sustain the payments. Risk: fail to meet payments – have to move again.

Option two:
Share with someone. Cheaper but not ideal for a ‘rehab’ environment or lifestyle and probably not much space to grow the art business (I work quite large). Risk: using alcohol to keep up appearances / stressful situations with housemate/s – have to move out again.

Option three:
Rent a studio in a different part of the country. In my budget we’re looking at somewhere fairly rural/crappy city. Risk: feeling isolated / lack of opportunities and friends. Mental health could suffer.

My closest confident that I’ve known for ten plus years, who’s seen me go through this from day one, got frustrated with me for not being able to just pull myself together and got a full time job so I can afford a studio in this city. My Dad is encouraging me to ‘think positive’ and ‘take the adventurous risk’, but it’s exacerbating trying to explain that just getting through this is being positive, and that it’s a balance between being positive and being prepared for any worst case scenarios/risks.

I don’t think (understandably) anyone fully understands the mental and physical challenges that come with BW. There are days when I just feel I need to be alone to recharge, not putting on a brave face to housemates, and equally I want to be able to go out and do things that lift my spirits (meet gallery owners / record music) when I feel able to. NB – I find travelling challenging too at the moment (and currently don’t drive) so being within a short walking/cycling distance to a community feels pretty key.

I want to live in my own little safe space where I can recover at my own pace, sustainably without financial stress, in a community that encourages some socialisation and a brighter future. It just seems like I can have two of these things, not all three.

Any suggestions from anyone?
(Thank you)

Ain’t no love in the heart of the city: Girlfriend dumps addict for man who isn’t tapering Klonopin for 1000 years

Dumped during taper
« on: April 10, 2019, 12:33:03 am »

[Buddie]

Just lost one of the key players in my support network. She said, “I can’t do this for another 6 months, year, however long it’ll be before you’re better. I love you, I want you to get better, and I don’t want to be with anyone else. But I just can’t do this anymore. I have to let go. I have to live my life”

This was 2 weeks ago. I tried to remain her friend, but she couldn’t help but rub her new relationship in my face. When I’d finally had enough and blocked her number, and on social media, she got pissy and finally left me alone. It’s strange how the ones we love the most can end up being the most toxic. Prior to this she would always be at my bedside. Checking in on me every day. Assuring me I’d get through this and that I’m strong for having made it this far.

I found myself up-dosing. I messed up. I let her hurt me even more. I’m trying to get back down to 0.5mg Klon per day, but the nights without her are much harder. Maybe I shouldn’t have been dating in this state. She tapered off klon a long time ago, I thought she’d be more understanding.

If anyone’s suffered a blow like this during taper, any advice would be appreciated.
(I know, “Try not to think about her, occupy your mind with other things.” I got that much, I’m trying.)

Benzo Buddies approved taper ends in crisis unit

throwing in the towel
« on: April 06, 2019, 04:59:05 pm »

[Buddie]

i cant live like this. its not living .everyday is hell and fear for me. im going back on my original dose and hope to feel like i did a few months ago. maybe i really just need them anyway. i wish all you beautiful and strong people a successful taper and much peace. love & light to you all

Re: throwing in the towel
« Reply #13 on: April 07, 2019, 11:39:08 pm »

[Buddie]

i spent the night in the crisis unit. im finally home. and i just want to tell everyone who took time out of you journey to encourage me that i truly love each one of you. family doent understand and they think by making me feel shame or less than because this is so hard is somehow going to majically fix this. i went up a bit. back on .5 in morinng and .5 and night. once im ready i will begin again. so much love and thanks to all you amazing and compassionate warriors.. much love to you all. this group is filled with the kindest and strongest people of ever come across.. thank you so much <3 love & light to all. jill

Another Ashton taper fails

Losing Hope at a Year Off
« on: March 15, 2019, 07:05:47 pm »

[Buddie]

I feel like I’m losing all hope of ever feeling normal again in normal situations. I’m basically a year off and my head feels like it could explode, and the depression is still terrible. I used to try stuff like meal changes, a few supplements, taking time off work, more water, more vigorous exercise, naps, and so on, but now it seems I have run out of stuff to try but other RX drugs. I feel like I’ve run out of people in real life to talk to about this, yet it seems I need to be talking about it constantly just to feel any semblance of normality. Where can I go from here at a year off? What can I do?

Benzo Buddies members compare psych wards

Womp womp psych hospital
« on: February 21, 2019, 10:50:43 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello,

So my taper has ended in the acute mental hospital 2 days ago. Not ideal. Although it’s not that terrible here. I was brought here by family for my ‘withdrawal delusions’ and nighttime terrors.

I’m at 0.06 mg ativan and have been holding. The pharmacist here and psych dr are patiently letting me taper here but would like to see me taper down here. Their diagnosis is that I am manic with delusions about ativan symptoms, and they want to go through withdrawal here to prove a point to myself that it’s not that bad. I don’t want to be on this drug anymore but I am scared to jump here. But maybe better here than at home.

There are other benzo people here. It’s sad. I dont want to say too much but it’s not a good thing to see.

They want me on 12.5 mg of seroquel. I’ve taken 2 doses. Worried about movement disorder because of fahrs.

Sx… high heart rate. Bowel stuff. Brain zaps. Tremors. Burning skin.

I think i have to stop this med soon but worried about acute in front of psychiatric team.

My question I guess is if anyone has advice.

Thanks.

Re: Womp womp psych hospital
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2019, 11:14:40 pm »

[Buddie]

I am SO SO sorry! I wound up in psyche twice and they were pretty much no help, switched my ADs, put me on gabapentin which I tried to get off and couldnt, Trazadone which stopped working, remeron which made me sick, they did get me stable on a generic brand of K but I’m still not tapering and still sick since my failed rapid taper and now I’m on ambien ::)

I suppose you can fake it as best you can to get out? then go back to your taper? Maybe?

Seroquel can help with sleep and 12.5 is a CRAZY low dose! It is safer in the hospital because they can be there if you seize or need any other meds I guess? I’m happy they let you have your phone at least, we werent allowed ours