Holiday horror stories pile up as Benzo Buddies members realize Ashton tapers have destroyed their lives

What's the point in trying anymore? (Trigger warning)
« on: December 24, 2019, 08:32:14 pm »

Ptsdmiracle

In 3 months it will be a year off, I have not noticed much improvement. I was slammed into complete dysfunctional and debilitating symptoms causing me to be housebound, and I’m still the same. Cognitive, emotional, mental, physical symptoms are still there when I compare the symptom list I created back in march. I’ve lost a year already. I keep thinking even if I do manage to recover to some functioning level, I’ll never be able to have the life I’ve worked so hard for. I won’t be able to return to my career if my health and sleep isnt 100%, because of the high demand even on a healthy body the stress can be high. I needed to be able to sleep on demand with high quality refreshing naps because of the unpredictable nature of workload. I’ll never be able to go through childbirth because I’m forever traumatized and paranoid that any meds or stress can send me back to acute, I wouldn’t want my kids to witness this let alone not have a healthy happy mother. I’ve cut ties with all my old friends for the past year, how am I ever going to explain to them what happened? Everyone had high hopes for me, now if they knew, I’d be the main topic of gossip in their circles. My social circles and even my extended family who are my generation are all high functioning healthy successful soon to be quite wealthy young adults.

So what’s left for me in this world? I feel like a parasite now, surviving on what the elders in my family can provide for me, and maybe when I recover I might “upgrade” to being a functional hermit.

It’s very difficult for me to have hope and be optimistic and grateful this holiday season. Especially since I’ve been waiting and waiting for symptoms to lessen or go away, but my brain has 24/7 been trapped in this alternate universe that’s hell. I also never have windows, not even glimpses of near normalcy. My brain is so far gone. When I was 22, I wanted to reach 30 because this is the year I could really start settling down and building my life after moving everywhere for training and work. Now that I’m 30, ironically, life is already over. and all I think about is dying so that misery isn’t prolonged.

For those that read this sad and dark post, thanks for listening. Anyone have any uplifting words to say I appreciate even more. I just don’t know the point anymore.

Re: What's the point in trying anymore? (Trigger warning)
« Reply #1 on: December 24, 2019, 08:44:38 pm »

[Buddie]

So, I have been ill and unable to work and largely housebound since 1996. All my then friends have had careers and bought homes and had families. I have nothing.

You will almost certainly feel well enough to live a worthwhile life in another year or two.

If your life is pointless where does that leave me? I am 51 now and even if I survive WD I will still have the underlying physical issues I was on Benzos for.

What does it say about all chronically sick or disabled people?

You have no idea where life will take you. Once your get through this you will be stronger and more determined than any of your friends plus you should have some real empathy, something g they will never learn unless something shit happens to them because it sounds like you all live a very entitled and unthinking life.

You will be fine.
« Last Edit: December 24, 2019, 09:01:56 pm by [Buddie] »

Re: What's the point in trying anymore? (Trigger warning)
« Reply #2 on: December 24, 2019, 08:53:21 pm »

[Buddie]

I know how you are feeling as im on the same boat.

I found my thinking about life is totally controlled by my sx at that moment. Even when sx is less intense with a brain kind of working for a minute, my perspective would be totally different, planning for thousands stuff for life. You are closer to healing everyday, once that day comes, your confidence, desire, motivation will be back more than ever.

When the sx are strong and you are still in depth of this process, try not to think tomorrow or future. Our thinking in this process is irrational only based on what we feel at the moment.

Just focus on each day and keep going. You survived almost a yr and will survive more days that comes, until you dont have to live by surviving moment by moment and then only enjoy every moment.

When these thoughts come, just vent here and we are around to listen to it. It will pass, possibly in just a few hours when the sx are lessoned.

Klonopin for 10 days, Benzo Buddies for life

Re: HELP!! Do I need to taper?
« Reply #11 on: August 28, 2019, 07:04:41 pm »

RKO

Not trying to scare you but I was only on Klonopin for 10 days and my doctor wouldn’t allow me to do an Ashton taper because I was only on for such a short time.

I was hooked by day 7, unknowingly, when I took half a dose one night and woke up with heart palps. Damn pills nearly killed me when I quit after a rapid taper that was basically a CT.

It’s been over 15 months and I’m nowhere near healed.

I’ve come to realize, however, that I am in the extreme minority. You’ll probably be fine though.

Paxil: 2000-2007
2/08: Adverse reaction to 9 days of Saw Palmetto extract for hair loss (PFS)
Klonopin: .25mg PRN 2/08-7/08
Prozac: 11/08-3/09

Drug free for 9+ years, life was great

4/19: Severe ear infection, temporarily deaf, tinnitus – rx Augmentin

4/26-5/1: Steroid taper pack

4/26-5/5: Rx Klonopin .5mg nightly by ENT for insomnia/tinnitus (heart palps on Day 7 with .25mg, dependent in a week?!)
5/6: Cut to .25 mg (cut 1mg tabs into quarters) – BAD symptoms. Run to GP for help
5/10: Cut to .125mg (per GP advice) – even worse symptoms, bad advice from doc
5/13: Jumped. WAY TOO SOON. HELL. Should’ve reinstated, basically CT. Didn’t have sufficient supply, GP wouldn’t prescribe more. Wrongly assumed short use would be short WD

Cult forces dangerous taper on 76-year-old

Better late than never
« on: January 06, 2019, 05:50:17 pm »

[Buddie]

My name is […]. I am 76 years old. I have been taking 2 mg. of lorazepam nightly for 25 years. I tried two years ago to taper, got to 1 mg. and regressed back to 2 mg. I am doing direct taper, water suspension of 300 ml, drawing off at a rate of one ml daily. I began on January 1 so today I will draw off 6 ml. By day 75, I will be down to 1.5 mg lorazepam at which point I will reassess to make sure I stay within the 10% drop limit. These are early days but I really feel the need for support and identity with others going through this experience. Thank you for being here.

Re: Better late than never
« Reply #1 on: January 06, 2019, 05:50:35 pm »

[Buddie]

Welcome to Benzo Buddies. we are a support and information group for those wanted to get off of benzodiazepines. Much congrats on what you have accomplished. I am very pleased that you are looking for camaraderie from here out. It is such a lifeline. Not only do we support each other, we have a wealth of sound information on everything from withdraw symptoms, how benzo’s affect the brain, and success stories.

Here are some helpful links on tapering:

http://www.benzo.org.uk/manual

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?board=56.0

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?board=145.0

In the forums pertinent to your circumstances, you will find other buddies going through their own tapers. This is a good place to ask questions, and receive guidance.

Again, welcome to Benzo Buddies, you have come to a safe, confidential informative support group, and we are happy to have you as a member. You can do this, with knowledge and finding coping skills.

Please take some time to Create a Signature. This will help other members understand your history so they will be better able to support you. Go to the top of the page and select Profile, then choose Forum Profile, insert drug history/timelines into the text box and click Change Profile.

We look forward to reading more from you over the forthcoming days and weeks.

Take care,

BB Team

WEDMAN ENTERS HELL

Wedman Withdrawal
« on: November 06, 2018, 12:01:28 am »

Wedman

I am joining BenzoBuddies because I am going through benzo withdrawal and want to learn more about what to expect. I was on temazepam for 5 years at 30mg at night for sleep. I started experiencing withdrawal about 3 months ago. I have been tapering and now on 7.5mg daily. I expect to finish my taper in 2 weeks. I am on trazadone and gabapentin.

Benzo Buddies orders terrified addict to ignore doctor, reject psychiatric medication

Hello, My Story
« on: August 17, 2018, 01:25:54 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi. I’m in a bad situation because I decided to smoke weed with friends about three months ago and only one hit threw me into a mood frenzy. I was an insomniac for a week after, non stop crying, paranoid, and panic attacks. So I managed to get 1mg Xanax from a friend which I used for about 14 days at night for sleep to reset my sleep. The last four days, I cut it to .5mg and then .25mg. I then stopped because I felt fine. However, I have been having up and down mood swings, palpitations that make me fear a heart attack, restlessness, shaking, paranoia, and what feels like chronic fatigue. I fear for my life like the weed may have cause tachycardia or mitral valve prolapse. Is this just from my underlying anxiety or the CT from the xanax? I got a shaky episode the other night and had to use one to stop the tremors and feel it was a bad idea. I see a psychiatrist Monday and I am terrified because I can’t tell the doctor about the weed or the xanax because the medicine was not prescribed to me and I could get in trouble. What do I do? I fear my life may never be the same again. I am weak and tremoring as I write this. What if I’m developing mental illness? The only option is for the psych to prescribe me benzos or ssris. I don’t want either.

Re: Hello, My Story
« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2018, 01:37:37 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello […],

Welcome to Benzo Buddies! I’m sorry you had such a severe effect from marijuana. Some strains can in fact increase anxiety, it appears you might have experienced this. Additionally, there might have been other substances in the marijuana that cause your reaction.

You took xanax for about two weeks. The recommended length of time for taking benzos is a maximum of two to three weeks, so you are right in that time frame. You are most likely feeling the effects from stopping xanax. There is likely to be withdrawal effects of some kind after two weeks of use. I do believe that these symptoms should ease up though, it may take a little while though.

If it were me, I would explain to the doctor what started your issues. If you don’t explain the cause, it is likely that the doctor will diagnose you with an anxiety disorder. If you didn’t have issues like this before using marijuana, then the effects you felt were due to the weed.

Your central nervous system took a hit with the marijuana and xanax. It may take a little while for things to settle, but they will. Try to distract from what you feel so that the fear doesn’t cause more issues.

I’ll give you a link to the Ashton Manual. It is an excellent resource about benzos and how to withdraw. It was written by Dr. Heather Ashton, an expert in the field. The manual does discuss tapering in detail but IMO, I would not suggest this for you. If it were me, I’d stay away from benzos and allow my body to recover.

I’ll also give you a link to the Post Withdrawal Recovery Board where you can post and receive feedback from members.

Your life will be the same, once your system recovers. I know this can be frightening, I felt the same way when I was directed to stop ativan for a medical test. I’m glad you’ve joined, you’ll find a lot of good information and support here. It’s going to be OK.

The Ashton Manual

Post-withdrawal Recovery Support

[…]  :)

Re: Hello, My Story
« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2018, 02:13:00 pm »

[Buddie]

Thanks. If my psych has to give me something, what would be the best route as I am terrified of those withdrawals as well?

Re: Hello, My Story
« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2018, 06:29:15 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on August 17, 2018, 02:13:00 pm
Thanks. If my psych has to give me something, what would be the best route as I am terrified of those withdrawals as well?

You don’t have to take any medication if offered. It is your body and you can make the decision as to what to put in it. I didn’t even know what a benzo was when I was prescribed it. I had no idea about it’s potential for dependency or withdrawal. I learned a big lesson; be proactive about what I take and question everything.

It’s been my experience that ‘some’ doctors want to medicate everything when there are other alternatives.

[…] :smitten:

Re: Hello, My Story
« Reply #4 on: August 17, 2018, 07:04:06 pm »

[Buddie]

Yeah. I also forgot to mention that three days before the weed incident, I CT’d beer completely and for the past year I was drinking three to four to five a day. Could that have something to do with what I am going through maybe?

People who joined Benzo Buddies not healed seven years later

Difficult topic - potential for trigger
« on: June 05, 2018, 05:36:07 pm »

[Buddie]

Why are there people still not healed 3,4,5,6,7+ years out? Is there a common theme to this?

I just don’t understand it when the “stats” show that everyone heals between 2-3 years at the latest from the studies that were done. More than that, how do these people who haven’t “healed” this far out manage to live? Are they now working or is someone supporting them financially? I just don’t get how people can simply exist with an illness like this without going completely nuts. Maybe I’m just a lightweight because I am just (and I mean just) getting through each day now at 19/20 months.

Re: Difficult topic - potential for trigger
« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2018, 09:14:02 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on June 05, 2018, 05:36:07 pm
Why are there people still not healed 3,4,5,6,7+ years out? Is there a common theme to this?

I just don’t understand it when the “stats” show that everyone heals between 2-3 years at the latest from the studies that were done. More than that, how do these people who haven’t “healed” this far out manage to live? Are they now working or is someone supporting them financially? I just don’t get how people can simply exist with an illness like this without going completely nuts. Maybe I’m just a lightweight because I am just (and I mean just) getting through each day now at 19/20 months.

Hello […], I think there are many reasons why some of us are taking many years to recover. i am obviously one of them. It may be genetics, underlying health conditions, many complicating factors, sometimes it is very difficult to know. I am lucky, I am 63 and retired, I have a pension and I am okay financially. Not everyone is so fortunate. I am sure you are not a lightweight. For me, I got through it hour by hour, suffering was intolerable, but nevertheless, I got through it. I have very supportive friends but not much in the way of family support. BenzoBuddies was my lifeline for a very very long time. I used many different strategies to distract … as best as I could. But basically I existed ..

None of the stats we have are robust but I think we generally accept that most people will recover in a couple of years and a minority will take longer and a small minority will take even longer. It is important to remember that even when we take quite a number of years to recover we generally improve as I have done so although the first few years were hellish, that does not mean the next few years will also be hellish. I am still not recovered but I am not suffering .. that is all over. I am no longer existing but I am not living either .. but I can cope perfectly well now. Of course I would much rather be living a normal life.

So as much as you are suffering right now, it will get easier. It is extremely unusual for that not to happen. I only know a handful who seem to be getting worse and I have been around for a long time and that may be due to other health issues, I don’t know.

I have never been particularly well so I have had a whole lifetime of coping with illness and disability and that has probably helped me to cope, others will not have that experience to draw on if they have been used to good health.
« Last Edit: June 05, 2018, 09:20:08 pm by [Buddie] »

Re: Difficult topic - potential for trigger
« Reply #2 on: June 05, 2018, 10:17:11 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on June 05, 2018, 05:36:07 pm
Why are there people still not healed 3,4,5,6,7+ years out? Is there a common theme to this?

I just don’t understand it when the “stats” show that everyone heals between 2-3 years at the latest from the studies that were done.

I am not aware of any study that says that everyone heals within 2-3 years. MOST people certainly heal within that timeframe, but it Ashton herself is pretty clear that this isn’t the case for everyone.

Quote
More than that, how do these people who haven’t “healed” this far out manage to live? Are they now working or is someone supporting them financially?

I am 7 1/2 years off and have seen significant improvement in some symptoms, others not so much so. I was able to start a business when I was about 3 years off and I have recently moved back out on my own again. Every day is still a challenge but somehow I manage to hold it all together.

Quote
I just don’t get how people can simply exist with an illness like this without going completely nuts. Maybe I’m just a lightweight because I am just (and I mean just) getting through each day now at 19/20 months.

You aren’t a lightweight, you are just projecting. MOst people feel better and become more functional with time, so you will probably be better off in a few years.

Welcome to Benzo Buddies. Welcome to Hell.

Two years in acute detox. Welcome to hell.
« on: March 15, 2018, 07:25:21 am »

[Buddie]

Thank you for reading. I […] my story will instill a sense of […] and encourage the reader. I AM the “hey at least I’m not that guy.”

I am 18 months off of Valium and 11 months sober. I took 20-30mg of Valium for one year. I tapered over 1.5 years to freedom.
My sobriety date is March 9th 2017 (the day I cold turkeyed suboxone)
I am a 28 year old male from California. I am a professional athlete who had 5 years off heroin/oxycodone from november 2009-January1st 2015

Part 1. Purgatory. A dissent.
January 2015. I began a Valium taper after 20-30mg a day habit for one year.
Began 600mg of Gabapentin 300mg three times daily.
February 2016. At 7mg of Valium holding for a total of 90 days.
During which time I injured myself. I fell down 40ft of steep concrete 3x (*athlete).
Prescribed oxycodone for one month. (Fractured heel, dislocated shoulder, concussion, rib damage, two fingernails ripped off and a lot of deep disgusting road rash)
Switched to Methadone.

Part 2. Cruel and Unusual. Methadone. A different kind of monster. February-June of 2016.
I had Kaiser at the time. Dr. “Devil” we will call him was overseeing my Valium taper.
The Methadone clinic wrote down I was a “five year user of oxycodone”. I told them I was five years clean. I told the intake nurse, the doctor, the receptionist, EVERYONE, multiple times I used oxycodone for 30 days and was 5 years CLEAN.
They tested me in at the highest level allowed to start. They jumped me to 72 and proceeded raised me to 100 in the quickest way legally allowed in California. I told them I wanted to do 21 day taper. Doctor said, “that doesn’t work. We need to stabalize you on a high dose and taper you down.”
Holding at 10mg Valium. Dr. Devil has no idea I quit the oxycodone and attempted a 21 days taper at methadone clinic.

At 100mg I began to die. Literally. Having only been on Oxycodone a month, 100 units of methadone while ON Valium should have killed me.
I was vomiting on a regular basis (from being OVERDOSED), I turned grey, was having heart palpitations, sleeping all the time, and woke up every night with my skin ON FIRE drenched in sweat and vomiting violently until 445am in line to dose at 5am.
While seeing the nurse one day at clinic I was screaming at her saying the methadone was killing me and I didn’t understand why I was on such a high dose only being on oxy for thirty days.
She reviewed my notes and said,”It says here you were on Oxycodone for five years. I SCREAMED,” What have you done! I was five years clean literally over and over and dove for the paperwork. A male counselor ran in and tackled me as I screamed and cried hysterically “You’ve killed me. I am going to die repeteadly.”
I requested documentation and planned to sue.

Part 3- The Methadone Mafia.
I booked an appointment immediately with Dr. Devil at Kaiser. I told him everything that had happened. *****I also told him I planned to sue the Methadone clinic for mall practice. A guaranteed win I thought****(remember this detail)
With terror in his countenance he exclaimed,”You can’t be on methadone and valium! You could drop dead at any moment! I need you to authorize the Methadone clinic to send over your paperwork immediately so I can help you.”

The methadone clinic was the enemy. I stormed in to the clinic, demanded my paperwork, and told them they were getting sued.
They wouldn’t give it to me. I cried “HIPPA” its my right! They stalled for as long as legally possible. During which time the owner of the Clinic wanted to meet me.
She was polite, and attractive. Her father a drug czar featured in magazines. She asked what was going on? I told her everything. She teared up apologizing. I didn’t care. They would burn for this. I told her to send my paperwork to Kaiser ASAP.
I remember this like it was yesterday. Her face went cold, looking down. Drawing a deep breath, gathering her composure, carefully raising her eyes to meet mine she spoke as she slowly exhaled,”I don’t trust this doctor devil. I think he has something planned. I have a bad feeling about this. Are you sure?”
“Of course!” I yelled. I was not to be fooled. The methadone clinic was the antagonist of this story. Kaiser is my private healthcare afterall!
“Okay, I’ll do it.”

Part 4- Breaking Doctor Patient Confidentiality. Betrayal and a death sentence rendered by Dr. Devil of Kaiser Permanente.
I called Doctor Devil to set up my next appointment and said I finally got them to send my paperwork.
I could not get an appointment and I was running out of Valium. It was like he was ducking me.
I finally got ahold of his nurse. She promised he would help me and got me an appointment and got me an appointment that week.

I showed up. The nurse called me back. I walk in to the doctors office eager to tell of my plans to sue the Methadone clinic. I was full of […]. Dr Devil is sitting across from me. To my left his nurse/assistant is standing against the wall looking horrificly scared and nervous. Next to her is an armed security guard staring at me.
I look back at doctor devil and ask what the hell is going on? Why is a security guard with a freaking gun in here? Why does your nurse look like she just walked halfway through watching the exorcist? (I literally said this)
Dr. Devil proceeded to say he was there to “protect ME” (Seriously).
He began to speak in a tone I had never heard. He spoke down to me like a second class citizen. A junkie. Scum.
He said that he was cutting me off the valium. He would provide one last script and I was to taper off 10mg with one script.
I asked about having a seizure or dying. He said the gabapentin would prevent seizure. He then said the armed security guard would take me to the pharmacy. He would not be liable for someone on methadone and valium at the same time. Kaiser would not allow it.

Part 5-Hell awaits.
I go back to the methadone clinic. They would let me dose but the methadone clinic owner demanded to see me.
She was right. Dr. Devil screwed me. This next part is VERY important.
She proceeded to tell me that Dr. Devil had “Told her over the phone I was actually serious on planning to sue the methadone clinic, was obtaining a lawyer, and seeking litigation.” She asked, “Is this true.”
Dr. Devil broke Doctor Patient Confidentiality. This is a capital offense for doctors. Guaranteed loss of silence, being sued successfully, and potential jail time.
I was in utter shock and disbelief. I said it was true.
It’s not legal to drop someone off methadone cold turkey from 100. But they could drop me 10 units a week (Your supposed to drop 2 units a week)
So it began. Fearing for my life I asked Kaiser to get me into detox. I was done, defeated, and ready to turn myself in to the care of medical proffesionals fearing for my life.
I was told no detox would allow me in until I reached a MINIMUM of 30 units. Modern medicine was not capable of treating anything higher safely.
A death sentence.
I have one scrip of Valium to taper off.
I was to be rapid tapered of Methadone.
I could only deduce one possibility.
A cruel and unusual death awaits me.

Part 6- WELCOME TO HELL-Rapid tapering Valium and Methadone at the same time.
The methadone clinic violated more laws never giving me my paperwork (HIPPA)
Kaiser and the clinic were sweeping me under the rug.
I tapered off methadone 100, 90, 80, 70, 60. 50. 40, 30, 7 days apart.
I tapered down to 7mg of valium while doing this.
I will not go into detail of the horror of this. I simply can’t put words to it.ng.
I’m dead.”

I hit the magic number, 30 on June 27th 2016.
I coud take no more. I was so far past done. Kaiser said I would get a sleep medication and clonidine for withdrawal. I remember thinking one thi
Part 7-Suicide

********The rest of the story deleted because my login timed out. Will finish tomorow.**************
« Last Edit: March 15, 2018, 08:06:26 am by [Buddie] »