Without Klonopin mental patient reverts to being nuts

Scared of myself
« on: May 28, 2021, 12:31:33 am »

[Buddie]

I’m 6 months Klonopin free and one symptom I can’t shake is being scared of my body and not feeling safe in it. I feel out of touch and out of control. I look at my tattoos and have a panic attack because I can’t just “take them off.” I got the covid vaccine and was in full panic for 24 hours because I couldn’t “take it out” if I wanted to. I’m constantly questioning whether I’m actually alive or not and wondering if I’m dreaming or actually dead. I’m terrified all the time. I had a window for about 2 weeks but have been really stressed at work and am now in this wave. I’m always reading posts on here but I can’t help feeling entirely alone. I’ve lost 40 pounds so far and I’ve convinced myself it’s lymphoma. Any support I can get would be greatly appreciated.

Cold turkey leaves addict unable to have sex with wife (or even masturbate)

Sexual issues during WD
« on: March 07, 2021, 03:10:24 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi,
I made C/T from lormetazepam 24-1-21 and I’ve bit hit by my 1st long wawe. I experienced ED related with insomnia and anxiety. I lost night erection and was basically unable even to “have sex with myself”.
Then I had a small window during which I started to feel normal. More arousal, better erections, masturbation ok. Anyway I was too anxious for having sex with my wife.
I tried to force myself taking some tadalafil (Cialis) and it has been horrible. I became even more anxious after taking it. I just told my wife it’s not worth trying.
Even worse. We started watching a film together and I couldn’t stand thrilling scenes. I didn’t sleep and a new wave is starting. I’m back to the point where I can’t do anything.

I think it’s mostly related with insomnia and anxiety but I’m afraid of developing a vicious circle insomnia – ED – depression.

Have you ever experienced sexual issues during WD? How did you manage them? How long they lasted?

PS: how can I add my benzo history after my posts?

Re: Sexual issues during WD
« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2021, 10:08:20 pm »

[Buddie]

You’re definitely not alone. Since I’ve been on benzos my sex drive has been decimated. Before I was on them I was on opiate maintenance, and just on opiates I was able to have a healthy sex life with my girlfriend, so that shows how much benzos kill your libido. Try not to get caught up in the mental struggle about it because it will get better with time. Personally I haven’t gotten off benzos yet so I can’t speak to when things get back to normal after you stop taking them, but it will happen. It’s totally normal to be freaked out by random things while you’re in withdrawal too. The fear center in your brain is going haywire along with lots of other parts of your brain. Going cold turkey must be extra tough. By the way, if you want to add your signature go the profile option, then go to the “forum profile” option. It’s definitely a good thing to have so people know where you’re coming from.
« Last Edit: March 07, 2021, 11:50:52 pm by [Buddie] »

Doctor tells cult member they’ve likely developed psychosis from being brainwashed

“Psychotic”
« on: February 03, 2021, 06:41:06 pm »

[Buddie]

I was told today that I might be psychotic (by a mental health professional) because of “[my] delusional beliefs about benzodiazepines causing problems now after such a long time.”

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I may do both.

Benzo Buddies member goes back on benzos after brutal Ashton taper fails and is doing great!

a lifetime of decisions, and a long weird path back towards reinstatement
« on: July 17, 2019, 06:37:35 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello,

I had initially kept this post to a handful of staff members, but was encouraged to feel free to make a more public post.

Put simply, I am back on benzodiazepines after an extended period off, and while I have deep reservations about this, after eight months it does not yet seem to have been a mistake.

Abbreviated backstory: I was on benzos for a number of years in late adolescence / early adulthood for anxiety based reasons. I had mild tinnitus at that time (possibly attributable to many things, including a distant history of childhood ear infections). Tapering was brutal and took me 14 months, and I wrapped that up sometime in 2005. I don’t recall tinnitus ever being a problem, except briefly during parts of the taper.

In 2010, an acoustic trauma did some significant damage to my auditory system, the tinnitus turned into a wailing monster, and I used benzos again for about a year before tapering again. I spent 2011-2015 basically miserable, highly functional but chronically consumed with the violent, often painful, extremely high pitched noise in my skull. I tried all kinds of things; if there is a supplement, drug, medical practice, massage practice, alternative medicine practice that someone on Google says helped their tinnitus, I probably tried it. I also tried doing “nothing”; I learned to meditate. I learned to sleep with earplugs in spite of the noise. I spent a lot of money; I spent $10,000 to be a lab rat in one clinical trial alone (lots of travel involved).

I remain hopeful about the tinnitus treatments that are in the pipeline, but a little voice continued to say “I need to do something now”, as my life sort of passed before my eyes. I achieved significant professional success. I was able to relocate out the city to a pristine, quiet area in 2016. This did all make me feel better in some ways, but still the noise.

In late 2015, unrelated medical circumstances forced me to consider short-term PRN use of Valium, and, of course, I discovered that it still “worked” as far as taking my mind off the tinnitus. From early 2016 until November of last year, I used Valium PRN; when the tinnitus would become absolutely intolerable, I would take enough to knock it way back (usually 10-20mg over 24-36hrs), and then try to not do that again for 3-4 weeks. I became a parent over this time period, and I realized that the times I was the most medicated were also the times I felt the most joy and connection with my child. By July of 2018, I was agonizing over the idea of reinstatement, but I wasn’t sure.

I made a list of every possible tinnitus remedy that seemed reasonably attested which had not yet been attempted. It was a pretty short list which included some out there ideas like “cervical chiropracty” and “microdose psilocyban”. None the less, I crossed these items off my list as I tried them. Finally, in late November of last year, well supported by a medical team (including a prescribing doctor who is deeply aware of the hazards of benzos and necessity of a slow withdrawal), I elected to resume daily benzo use. After 2 weeks at 25% of the dose I’d previously been on long term, things felt very bad; more or less, I felt like I was in withdrawal, and I almost aborted the experiment then and there. One of my medical team persuaded me to at least attempt my full prior dose for some period of time; I also elected to supplement it with gabapentin based on some research into the combination for tinnitus specifically (and the general observation that gabapentin is much less scary than benzos, so if it can be used to supplement a benzo dose and reduce benzo consumption, that’s probably a win).

More or less I had a one month “honeymoon” where life seemed too good to be true, and as expected, that faded as tolerance became obvious and peripheral side effects also vanished. However, what I am left with, so far, is a life which is much more manageable. It’s hard to put numbers on things, but the tinnitus is more distant, it’s generally less disturbing when it does get my attention, and I’ve been able to make significant progress in my family life, in my professional life, and in therapy, which had been blocked by the state of utter discomfort, misery and despair that my tinnitus had thrown me into. The general observation of my spouse is that I am easier to talk to, more likely to listen to them, less likely to snap, and more likely to be sympathetic and caring in general.

To make a few things clear:
This was my choice and I would not encourage anyone else to do the same thing. No one’s circumstances are identical. For all I know, my use of benzos during developmental years caused problems that couldn’t self-fix, and if not for that I might not be in this situation at all. Likewise, if I had taken better care of my ears, or had better genetics around hearing, tinnitus and anxiety, I might not be in this situation. But, that doesn’t matter: the way things are, is the way things are.

I do not know the long term results of this (and neither do you) – I waited more than six months before posting this because I wanted to be sure a beneficial effect that outweighed my reservations about benzo use, would persist for some period of time after obvious tolerance had set in. It’s entirely possible that this will “stop working” at some point, and I will be left with my generally terrifying tinnitus on top of having to do another taper. But, it’s also possible that won’t happen (one of my family members has taken Klonopin with no loss of efficiency for more than 15 years) – and it’s further possible that some of the tinnitus treatments which are currently in the experimental or early marketing phase will turn out to be extremely effective, at which point attempting another taper might seem very rational to me.

I agonized over this decision more than you can possibly imagine over a five year period; eight months in, it’s given me eight of the best months of the last 10 years of my life. I am happy to answer any reasonable questions, but I ask that you respect my right to autonomy and decision making over my own body.