“Psychotic” « on: February 03, 2021, 06:41:06 pm »
I was told today that I might be psychotic (by a mental health professional) because of “[my] delusional beliefs about benzodiazepines causing problems now after such a long time.”
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I may do both.
Sexual urges « on: December 05, 2020, 03:48:50 pm »
Anyone started Diazepam and got hyper sexual urges and worse when cut a bit?? Its not nice for me as I’m widow and 71 and certainly last thing I want also toss and turn in bed legs everywhere and now little sleep and get so cross and all
a lifetime of decisions, and a long weird path back towards reinstatement « on: July 17, 2019, 06:37:35 pm »
Hello,
I had initially kept this post to a handful of staff members, but was encouraged to feel free to make a more public post.
Put simply, I am back on benzodiazepines after an extended period off, and while I have deep reservations about this, after eight months it does not yet seem to have been a mistake.
Abbreviated backstory: I was on benzos for a number of years in late adolescence / early adulthood for anxiety based reasons. I had mild tinnitus at that time (possibly attributable to many things, including a distant history of childhood ear infections). Tapering was brutal and took me 14 months, and I wrapped that up sometime in 2005. I don’t recall tinnitus ever being a problem, except briefly during parts of the taper.
In 2010, an acoustic trauma did some significant damage to my auditory system, the tinnitus turned into a wailing monster, and I used benzos again for about a year before tapering again. I spent 2011-2015 basically miserable, highly functional but chronically consumed with the violent, often painful, extremely high pitched noise in my skull. I tried all kinds of things; if there is a supplement, drug, medical practice, massage practice, alternative medicine practice that someone on Google says helped their tinnitus, I probably tried it. I also tried doing “nothing”; I learned to meditate. I learned to sleep with earplugs in spite of the noise. I spent a lot of money; I spent $10,000 to be a lab rat in one clinical trial alone (lots of travel involved).
I remain hopeful about the tinnitus treatments that are in the pipeline, but a little voice continued to say “I need to do something now”, as my life sort of passed before my eyes. I achieved significant professional success. I was able to relocate out the city to a pristine, quiet area in 2016. This did all make me feel better in some ways, but still the noise.
In late 2015, unrelated medical circumstances forced me to consider short-term PRN use of Valium, and, of course, I discovered that it still “worked” as far as taking my mind off the tinnitus. From early 2016 until November of last year, I used Valium PRN; when the tinnitus would become absolutely intolerable, I would take enough to knock it way back (usually 10-20mg over 24-36hrs), and then try to not do that again for 3-4 weeks. I became a parent over this time period, and I realized that the times I was the most medicated were also the times I felt the most joy and connection with my child. By July of 2018, I was agonizing over the idea of reinstatement, but I wasn’t sure.
I made a list of every possible tinnitus remedy that seemed reasonably attested which had not yet been attempted. It was a pretty short list which included some out there ideas like “cervical chiropracty” and “microdose psilocyban”. None the less, I crossed these items off my list as I tried them. Finally, in late November of last year, well supported by a medical team (including a prescribing doctor who is deeply aware of the hazards of benzos and necessity of a slow withdrawal), I elected to resume daily benzo use. After 2 weeks at 25% of the dose I’d previously been on long term, things felt very bad; more or less, I felt like I was in withdrawal, and I almost aborted the experiment then and there. One of my medical team persuaded me to at least attempt my full prior dose for some period of time; I also elected to supplement it with gabapentin based on some research into the combination for tinnitus specifically (and the general observation that gabapentin is much less scary than benzos, so if it can be used to supplement a benzo dose and reduce benzo consumption, that’s probably a win).
More or less I had a one month “honeymoon” where life seemed too good to be true, and as expected, that faded as tolerance became obvious and peripheral side effects also vanished. However, what I am left with, so far, is a life which is much more manageable. It’s hard to put numbers on things, but the tinnitus is more distant, it’s generally less disturbing when it does get my attention, and I’ve been able to make significant progress in my family life, in my professional life, and in therapy, which had been blocked by the state of utter discomfort, misery and despair that my tinnitus had thrown me into. The general observation of my spouse is that I am easier to talk to, more likely to listen to them, less likely to snap, and more likely to be sympathetic and caring in general.
To make a few things clear:
This was my choice and I would not encourage anyone else to do the same thing. No one’s circumstances are identical. For all I know, my use of benzos during developmental years caused problems that couldn’t self-fix, and if not for that I might not be in this situation at all. Likewise, if I had taken better care of my ears, or had better genetics around hearing, tinnitus and anxiety, I might not be in this situation. But, that doesn’t matter: the way things are, is the way things are.
I do not know the long term results of this (and neither do you) – I waited more than six months before posting this because I wanted to be sure a beneficial effect that outweighed my reservations about benzo use, would persist for some period of time after obvious tolerance had set in. It’s entirely possible that this will “stop working” at some point, and I will be left with my generally terrifying tinnitus on top of having to do another taper. But, it’s also possible that won’t happen (one of my family members has taken Klonopin with no loss of efficiency for more than 15 years) – and it’s further possible that some of the tinnitus treatments which are currently in the experimental or early marketing phase will turn out to be extremely effective, at which point attempting another taper might seem very rational to me.
I agonized over this decision more than you can possibly imagine over a five year period; eight months in, it’s given me eight of the best months of the last 10 years of my life. I am happy to answer any reasonable questions, but I ask that you respect my right to autonomy and decision making over my own body.
Baylissa Closing Her Practice « on: November 22, 2018, 02:52:46 pm »
I am very sad to inform people that Baylissa is closing her practice and website. I received this message this morning, as I have a membership on her site.
“I am saddened to be sharing this unexpected news of the closure of Bloom in Wellness with you. Unfortunately, I cannot continue as recent conflicting statements and false accusations about me on forums, and private efforts to sabotage my work, have weakened my practice to the point where I can no longer meet the costs of running the website and covering my living expenses.
“The result of the drama on the forum is that I am dealing mostly with suicidal crisis calls as well as accusatory messages telling me to stop lying. I have gone from being almost fully booked every day to just a few sessions per day and with none on many days. This is the first time since I started doing consultations that this has happened. I have also had membership cancellations with messages telling me I don’t cater for the protracted when, as you know, this is not the case.
“I have been attacked, cyber-bullied and threatened with closure of my website and with promises to do everything to ‘bring me down’. I am shocked at the level of hate being directed at me and I am so sorry it has come to this.
“One thing I can do is to put your daily emails of encouragement in book form so you can have them by your bedside to read first thing each morning. It won’t cost much to do this. But I can no longer afford to do the other things that are costly, like hosting the videos on Vimeo, etc. I am heartbroken to be taking away what I have been told is a lifeline for some of you, but I see no other option.
“I have thought of how I could keep the site going but if I increase the monthly membership fee, some of you won’t be able to afford it and a significant number will cancel. It is most likely that I will end up with even less income which will not cover costs and would leave us in the same position. I already have members who stopped paying their fees, so the number of members we have does not reflect the actual income.
“I see my only option as one in which I will do my best to find work as a coach, counsellor and consultant, not specifically related to withdrawal, but in the areas I did before, such as rape and sexual abuse, post-traumatic stress, anxiety, depression, domestic violence, self-compassion, etc. I won’t have any restrictions regarding who I help and so if someone in withdrawal books a session, that’s okay too. I am hoping if I work this way I won’t be targeted as a ‘withdrawal’ therapist ‘taking money from sick people‘ and hopefully the attacks will stop.
“I will admit that I am scared. I don’t know what my future holds but I have to trust that I will find somewhere to live and have food to eat. I have just enough money in my account for one month’s rent and then that’s it. I have no idea what to do. Because of the dystonia, I can’t do jobs that require sitting up all day or that are physical. I have to have faith and work as hard as I can. As I’ve always said to all of you, fall down seven, get up eight. I will keep going, to the best of my ability. Please pray for me.
“Well, this is our news. I didn’t even realise what was going on out there in the community until people started filling me in. There is a risk with doing work like this, but I am still in shock. I love what I do and I will never regret having done it over these past 13 years. The profound compassion I feel for all of you cannot be articulated. You know this. I can never thank you enough for your support and for having been a ‘Bloomie’. I am overwhelmed at the moment so please give me a bit of time… I don’t know yet how things will be wrapped up. I will do my best to make resources available and I will send an update with your membership cancellation date, resources links, etc.
“Please don’t lose heart. Maybe I became redundant for saying the things I know to be true, things that anecdotal evidence supports, including that we all heal. I am not a follower or someone who needs to conform or joins bandwagons. The withdrawal community has changed and is almost out of control. Everything I share with you is based on truth, is responsible, and is meant to keep you safe and limit your exposure to the things that can affect healing. My intentions have always been for good, from my heart. Please know this.”
Re: Baylissa Closing Her Practice « Reply #1 on: November 22, 2018, 03:33:35 pm »
Well, now we only have Jennifer Leigh in the US. We really are alone in this. It’s not right.
Re: Baylissa Closing Her Practice « Reply #2 on: November 22, 2018, 03:38:14 pm »
Oh that’s too bad. I kept seeing her name posted on the forums and was probably going to reach out and see if i can get some withdrawal questions answered. I was on her website the other day but couldnt figure out how to make an appointment. Its probably obvious but my brain doesnt work well right now. Sad to see any withdrawal specialist close. Are there any others who offer benzo related counseling? I can never find anyone who knows a single thing about benzos.
Re: Baylissa Closing Her Practice « Reply #3 on: November 22, 2018, 03:38:48 pm »
Quote from: [Buddie] on November 22, 2018, 03:33:35 pm
Well, now we only have Jennifer Leigh in the US. We really are alone in this. It’s not right.
We have BB too! I mean for me this site with so many people around the world is miracle that every one shares information. I was never never know what happening with me. I am so gratefull from BB! So sorry about Baylissa but I understand her, its a loss for us but she is scared.
Re: Baylissa Closing Her Practice « Reply #4 on: November 22, 2018, 03:46:38 pm »
This is truly devastating! Whoever attacked one of the only resources i had is evil. People didn’t have to go to her site or listen to her. This is pure evil. I hope by some miracle she gets the money she needs to keep helping those who actually want to be encouraged and supported. Shame on those who are hopeless and don’t want others to survive also! I am so grieved even more.
Re: Baylissa Closing Her Practice « Reply #5 on: November 22, 2018, 03:57:24 pm »
What the helk?! Who would attack someone who is trying to help… wow. I am actually on the path right now to be a certified health coach for this very reason. Well- to help those in withdrawals from Benzos. And lifestyle changes in general. Of course I need to walk the walk first … but my point is that she brought so much hope whether or not the issue of healing means a full recovery. So sad for sure.
Re: Baylissa Closing Her Practice « Reply #6 on: November 22, 2018, 04:00:22 pm »
I understand especially if her life was being threatened. She certainly helped me a great deal and I will never understand people that complain about not having support would turn around and attack someone that was truly trying to help us. Certainly she was not in it for the money because the membership was so low. I knew she really cared about my welfare and it was great to have someone that had personally experienced WD on my side.
Whatever the evil intentions were, it still will not stop me from healing because i refuse to give in to human threats. I am on assignment from a higher power.
Re: Baylissa Closing Her Practice « Reply #7 on: November 22, 2018, 04:02:05 pm »
Quote from: [Buddie] on November 22, 2018, 03:46:38 pm
This is truly devastating! […] This is pure evil. I hope by some miracle she gets the money she needs to keep helping those who actually want to be encouraged and supported. Shame on those who are hopeless and don’t want others to survive also! I am so grieved even more.
I couldn’t agree more.
This is an incredible loss and shock to many of us. I have used Baylissa’s services, and can only say that I have seldom met anyone who I consider such a bright light of hope, compassion, and love…a true angel.
My husband and I will continue to support her in any way we can, and I hope with my whole heart that others see this event for the tragedy and disgusting evil that it is – and have the integrity to add their voices in support of an incredible woman who has saved many lives in more than a decade of service. Shame on those who project their fear, anger, and negativity onto one of the only voices of Light available to those in psych-med withdrawal.
Baylissa will have my undying respect, gratitude, and love forever.
Lara
Benzo Belly « on: September 09, 2017, 09:29:07 pm »
I see this term thrown around a lot. What exactly is it?
Re: Benzo Belly « Reply #1 on: September 10, 2017, 01:42:27 am »
It’s sort of a catch-all term for belly/G.I. symptoms. It includes, bloating, reflux, nausea, weight gain, weight loss, and may also include constipation/diarrhea.
Carrie Fisher had cocaine, heroin and ecstasy in system at the time of her death https://t.co/czZRZX2ohZ
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) June 19, 2017
sign of healing!! « on: June 06, 2017, 09:49:57 pm »
well i did quit drinking 2 months ago and had a 5 day window last week, yesterday and today were pretty rough it was real bad yesterday, theres a few symptoms that dissapeared , the dp/dr is gobe, the depression has lifted for the most part, im still batteling with anxiet and insomnia, also this week i noticed i was not as bloated and belly wasent as swollen,so when i was drinking before was i preventing my healment? i went from aperiod when i got off benzo i quit for two months i went back on drinking after for a bit then i quit for around a month and half then went back on and now i have quit for two months it seems my symptoms were alot worse this time when i quit, just abit ago i felt a pop in my ear and my pounding head was gone, is this a sign of healing? seems these waves arent as bad as the were a month ago.