“All of this led me to start obtaining illicit benzos and just eating them like candy… I took the first one and I could feel a wave of euphoria run over me as the anxiety melted away into nothing… I’m not an addict!”

How to deal with the doctor
« on: July 01, 2018, 02:47:49 pm »

[Buddie]

Ill start at the beginning of my story as I feel its appropriate. I developed psychosis when I started university 4 years ago which was debilitating and somewhat scary this then led to me doing cocaine and somewhat overdosing. Since the OD I haven’t touched coke but it seems that the psychosis and OD had left me with severe anxiety. I went along to the GP who gave me a range of drugs which included diazepam and zopiclone and I would just go back and see the doctor from time to time and get more diazepam and zopiclone as needed. Now I didn’t take them everyday just when I had to do something that would really aggravate me. Now I have no doubt I got addicted to the diazepam as soon as I took the first one, it was just 2mg but it was pure bliss, I took the first one and I could feel a wave of euphoria run over me as the anxiety melted away into nothing and I felt normal which I hadn’t done in a long time.

I then had to move GP’s but it was fine as they sent me to a psych who instead of giving me 2mg when I felt like it she gave me 5mg 3x a day. Now at the time the 2mg just didn’t do anything and I don’t know why I kept taking them as they weren’t working except for sleep. Now I’m sure this should have been a warning sign to the doctor of impending dependence but it didn’t cross anybody’s mind. This GP was fine and handed them out like candies which was great (to me at the time) but then I again had to move due to uni but this time it was much further away from home in another county.

This is where the full nightmare begins, I go register at the nearest GP and make an appointment to set up repeat prescriptions. This is where I find out there are some really tricky, untrustworthy worthless doctors who shouldn’t be in the profession. I tell him what I was on with the boxes so he can see for himself and an actual unfilled prescriptions. I was on 2 anti d’s, stomach things, codeine and diazepam with an occasional zopiclone. This doctor rather than being helpful and courteous goes off on me about have diazepam and codeine are addictive and proceedes to tell me I will only be getting the one prescription on diazepam off him and that would be my lot.

So I continue just taking them as normal and when I come to run out I make an appointment to get more to which he refused. I left and started going into withdrawal after the second day which was truly horrific and I really couldn’t cope with it all. I make another appointment with the doctor whom again refuses the diazepam but give me zopiclone to help me sleep (only 10 3.75mg tablets and I was on 7.5mg). This gave me 7 days of comfort from the withdrawals and to make a plan on what to do. In the end I ordered them of the internet as I couldn’t trust my doctor to deliver appropriate care so had to take the matter into my own hands. Anyway I ran out of zopiclone and went back to the doctor with withdrawals but this time the withdrawals were taking there toll, I this time beg the doctor for more diazepam and said that it wasn’t fair that he abruptly stopped my medication and was agains prescription guidelines. All he said to me was “that is not true and the typical response from a drug seeking patient“, I didn’t know what to do I mean I’m not an addict but this hurt me that he could have been so cruel while I just wanted help. This led me to attack the doctor which wasn’t my finest moment and was kicked out of uni.

All of this led me to start obtaining illicit benzos and just eating them like candy. The accusations and non help of a doctor again happened when I moved practice again and went round the same thing again.

Now I’m on a stable dose of 3mg of Lorazepam which I really want to come off using diazepam but would need the doctors help to do this. Im planning on another doctors office to see if I can get anywhere with them as I’m desperate to come off these drugs now and need proper help. Ive also been refused therapy, counselling and mental health services and am currently seeing a addiction centre for it but they haven’t deal with benzos before so don’t know what they are doing at all and I really don’t trust them, I meant how can I cut up a rather small tablet into 16 evenly sized pieces? How the hell do I do this it really seems impossible for me at the moment and I also dosnt help I’m on probation so if I get caught with them I have to serve at least 6 months in prison.

End Psychiatry has epic meltdown

Follow the link to read all the comments.

A sampling:

The damages are to my reputation. The statements also effect me psychologically and make me fear for my life as I am a political dissident in my own country and I speak against state backed psychiatric torture. Calling me ‘crazy’ et al leaves me at serious risk of being tortured. I am psychologically damaged from these types of defamatory statements made in public.” – DC

“Jesus Christ man, let it go. Seems to me you don’t want anyone else’s opinion on any matter. If you don’t want an opinion, then don’t take it. There’s no need to make a storm out of a tea cup. And yes, you seem to love a rant. I write a one sentence comment and you reply 5 times with several paragraphs. That is a rant. Surely you have more important things to worry about than my opinion? IMO saying you have head issues is not slander. You think it is. You’re going to court anyway so you’ll find out. Why is this an argument? Why is this an issue that’s taking up your valuable time? I hope you get what you’re looking for. Good luck. No need to rant on and on about it.” – MA

“I’m blocking now. It’s just not fair for this poor guy. He’s going to have a meltdown if he has to continue replying to all of these comments. I’m just in a state of shock! It’s pure insanity!” – MA

End Psychiatry oh and you’re stalking my personal page too. You know slanderous comments are only slander if they’re not true right? You’re doing a great job making a case for the opposition here…” – MA

“Maybe dont end psychiatry…it might be needed haha” – LW

Do you always wake up in the morning and think about how you can derail civil rights movements and jeopardize the safety of human beings?” – DC

“Can someone explain this to me?The only reason I’m here is due to the admins reputation for blocking people and making unsupported claims. You’re making yourself internet famous due to posts like this…..you’re the one posting mate. Can you really blame them for laughing at your child like responses?” – MB

Ryan Owen so are you implying the statement ‘you definitely have head issues’ is factual? Do you have any evidence to support this assertion if that is your assertion?” – DC

“Mate I was actually trying to help you. This post makes you look crazy AF!!!” – RO

Does psychiatric torture make you happy? Does it make you happy to jeopardize the safety of those I represent by publicly claiming my messages about psychiatric torture of human beings and slander of those who speak out for them ‘makes me look crazy af’?

“You weren’t tortured you were medicated and from my point of view with good reason.” – RO

I was born to lead, get used to it” – DC

It’s the same guy swapping between accounts….it’s pretty funny. We’ve known the whole time. No one agrees with him so he swaps accounts and likes his own comments…..Bwahahaha.” – MB

“I am in the same matter here, in a shabby abandoned locked Ward, London Brixton, not the first time, this time for a compensation due to medical negligence. Taking pictures and videos as well and all sorts of evidence material. Time has changed. International medicine has changed to respect the union of body mind and soul. This is just a hoax of the pharmaceutical industry and repetitive if we go back in time when the concentration camps sold individuals to Bayer for experiments.” – KIS

“Is this a joke?” – PF

“Sadly the admin is real….I thought it was fake too!! He uses fake accounts and likes his own comments but this moron is definitely real.” – MB

Ashton worshippers replace benzo addiction with food addiction, pile on the pounds

Can't stop eating
« on: March 06, 2018, 12:17:44 pm »

[Buddie]

My brain is telling me to every minute of every day.

It is not like hunger but a sort of panic stricken compulsion that I am unable to ignore. I can’t get any control over it.

I am gaining weight fast.

I don’t know what to do.

I have never experienced anything like it. I lost half my body weight a couple of years ago and don’t want to be fat again.

I think it is tied to my being completely unable to feel any senstion from inside my body including feeling full.

Re: Can't stop eating
« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2018, 02:49:32 am »

[Buddie]

I went through a similar phase. I ended up gaining a fair amount of weight which I then had to work back off. And like you, I had lost a bunch of weight (102 pounds) the year before I withdrew.

Maybe go for a nice long walk (without taking any food). Or make sure all the food around the house takes a good hour or more to prepare (no ready-to-eat foods or snacks laying around).

Re: Can't stop eating
« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2018, 03:24:15 am »

[Buddie]

I understand what you mean when you say you can’t feel sensations on the inside of your body.

For awhile I was so numb internally I wondered if my heart was still beating. I would have thoughts that would make meme panic mentally but I couldn’t feel any physical response. My body felt dead.

I wonder if your hunger signals are simply misfiring and miscommunicating too. Hunger (or lack thereof) is signalled by various hormones like leptin and ghrellin. I would say that amidst the chaos of benzo withdrawal, the signal to release those appropriately has been temporarily affected.

It could also be that your body is under a lot of stress and is working very hard so is interpreting the need for excess energy.

I would focus on physical exercise where you can. In terms of eating, all you can do right now is try make healthy balanced food choices. Think protein and fibre every meal to try keep your GI low. That should aid satiety and feelings of fullness. And then try and eat as frequently and as much as you know to be healthy for your body. If you logically know you’ve had enough, then perhaps try distraction (although I know how hard this is.

Overall, don’t beat yourself up. You can only do your best. Once you have recovered you can focus on the weight aspect if you still find that to be an issue

:smitten:

Re: Can't stop eating
« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2018, 07:49:49 am »

[Buddie]

Don’t let the weight issue get out of hand. It’ll be hard to comeback later, no matter what they tell you. Eat healthy, and above all, exert control.

Re: Can't stop eating
« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2018, 12:56:41 pm »

[Buddie]

You know I am going through something similar… the absence of internal sensations, an undiscript urge which feels like an urge to eat. It is confusing and harrowing… especially when you had already worked so hard to get back into shape!…

Do what you can. This is withdrawal… but don’t let go either. Don’t beat yourself up, is what I mean, and try to stay as healthy as you can – but know that this is not the way it will always be.

So I agree with not keeping snacks around, or if there are any, no more than what would feel like a decent portion, something “healthy”… nutrients which will help you function and heal.

Do you cook? Do you share meals with family? Try new recipes, take time to prepare and plate nicely… that could help you think of food differently…?

Brush your teeth after eating… you might feel less tempted to reach for the fridge again…

Plan your meals and snacks, that way you may be able to bargain with yourself…

Exercise and relaxation should also benefit you – especially if like me, you feel a weird “urge”. And any distraction, anything you enjoy…

Not sure whether that is advisable… I chew gum. Yes, full of yucky stuff but it helps with the “urge”… looking forward to being able to give that nasty habit up!!…

And tell yourself that you are healing. That things will get better… because they will. No matter what you believe right now!

Hugs  :smitten:
[…] xx

Re: Can't stop eating
« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2018, 04:21:30 pm »

[Buddie]

I am not able to exercise much due to ME/CFS.

I had managed to get my exercise up while tapering but I think I pushed itto much and have made ME/CFS worse as well as withdrawal stuff.

I am mainly housebound.

I can’t explain the eating thing – it does not feel like a normal craving. It feels qualitively different and related to the hypersalivation and neck/jaw tightness that makes my body feel like it is chewing all the time I am awake – like the signals are all messed up.

Also the feel and taste of food is all wrong in my mouth.

The lack of sensation applies to my sense of touch as well – my body feels like it is made of something inert like plastic and the world feels too insubstantial. I manage to forget about it sometimes and then I rub my face or something and the full horror of it returns.

I think I need to talk to the neurologist again.

Before withdrawl I had a very small appetite and ate a paleo style diet. I mainly had one meal a day.

Rahke’s Ramblings: Sicko Flicko recounts tale of when his cult guru Adi Da Samraj translated into white light (died)

Beloved
November 14, 2011 at 10:58am

Thank you my dear friends. I am finding Facebook to be a gas and a major vehicle of the Avataric Guru Adi Da Samraj{my Guru for many lifetimes now}.

This is the real beginning now of the Badmitton Diaries and my life story and spiritual autobiography. It is fitting that I blog so late, cause I am wild late nite person. i cannot seem to get the discipline down of going to bed early and gettin up early. and I do not care anymore anyhow. LOL

So here is the scoop and I will elaborate over the next few days. In the last few months, Adi Da Samraj , my Guru has rapidly drawn me into the fourth stage of life. This is the beginning of real spiritual practice in HIs Way of the Heart and a sort of “beginner practice” But he calls it the Salvation Phase of Divine Enlightement. I am sitting here laughing my ass off now as I write . Humor Suddenly Returns.

In “lay terms” what this means is that my gross human level ego has been ‘blown out” in the Divine He and She. Many would be deluded into thinking they are “Enlightened” if they experienced some of what I experience every moment now and now and now, but Beloved gives his devotees discrimination and a perfect map of Life and Enlightment, so you know exactly who , what and where you are or are not really. no ego left no Oedipal patterning. no fear, no neurosis, no anger , no sorrow. non stop JOY and LOVE Bliss. no separation from the Goddess, no separation from Da God. tears and laughter. a non stop dance of joy effortless discipline, Big Balls LOL

I have to say that I owe much to the Institutional Church of Adidam. It is one of Beloved’s Divine Shakti vehicles in this world. But I owe everyting of This to my Guru Himself. We all know what I am talkin bout.

This really started an infinite amount of lifetimes ago. But it really really really started for me in the year of our LOrd 2000, at the ongoing Event known as Ruchiradam, where i was bodily present in the bedroom of my guru as he Translated into White Light. yikes This was actually two days after the actual Beginning of the Event.

I was not even a “formal devotee” then as i have been off and on since 1975. Davide asked me to come on a seva retreat and be his chauffeur since I was a pro cabdriver LOL

Anyhow we were all given Darshan one by one at the foot of Beloved Adi Da’s bed as He sat on his bed Radiating Divine Enlightenment. A Super NOva in yur face. Nuclear meltdown of your puny self ego. yikes. it was a Glory and I had no idea what would happen to me. I spent the next 10 years in a Purgatory or Hell , being completely purified by Mother Kali o many many lifetimes of karma. He , She was preparing me for this time. In some ways, not so fun , considering that my CNS was damaged by tranquilizers, that I was on for panic attacks, and extreme fear, insomnia, and more fear . I have been afraid of death and women for my whole life until the last few months. now no fear of death or women LOL

So now, with my damaged CNS, I am conducting the direct Heart Shakti of the Divine Being down my frontal line. Instant and effortless chi gung. all the way down Beloved is doing Everything. I get kriyas some but not much, considering. i get a bit “mannic” and just do my comedian thing and dance a lot “Dancing Down The Light” Too much pot gives me a bit of the shakes , due to my extreme sensitivity LOL

I love women so so much now and it ain’t from the testosterone cream I am using LOL they love me now too.
So I opened my Laughing Mama studio in Lake Co on my fiftieth birthday in 2000 and then the meltdown my dance partner , Heather performed with me that nite and mentioned how ai was finally healthty and in shape and my fifties would be “glorious” LOL LOL Then Ruchiradam and I lost it all, my physical and mental health, all my hard won fortune and property. I had a gallbladder surgery that destroyed me in one nite . Horrible scarring pain nonstop in my insides for years and years. panic, trauma , and fear and tranq addiction, horrible years of drug w/d s. horror upon horror never ending. I was in a Hell and had not the slightest idea what was going on.

I had no way to hold onto the toe of my Guru , but unbeknownst to me , He was holding me in His Loving Embrace { the Embrace of His Laughing Mama Form , that is} Mother Kali eats her young and is the destroyer of egos.

An actual human being, a male friend of mine, actually took on the form of Mother Kali for me. My friend’s name is Brian. We are friends now again. i did not trust him for awhile however LOL It is very difficult to trust Mother Kali while she is eating yu alive yikes, the nerve of Da Bitch.

I have always been very pro active to help me in my suffering LOL and this was actually very useful. I did a strong Buddhist mediation practice for years , often under the tutelage of a wonderful young tantric master, anam thubtenm in Point Richmond . I used to have a private audience with him and tell him how much I was suffering, He would laugh and ask me what I would be doing if I was not suffering, I said that i would be gettin high, surfing , and chasing gurls He laughed and said “See”? I cried a lot with sorrow back then and now I cry in Love Bliss a lot.

I was a devotee of Amma for a couple of years and she helped a lot in oh so gradual healing she took away all my fear once for two weeks, but Avatar Adi Da took it away permanently, this is a good thing LOL

So i am reopening the studio{well me and Brian are doing it as a coop team} on Jan 1 with me and others doing some fun and professional {LOL} performances with an all nite “Dancing Down the Light” initiated by Bhagavan Adi da the hippest Guru Who Ever Lived. I aleady booked Omer, the wizard of Harbin , to spin the Chillroom, from 2 to 5 a.m. more to come

Uncle Flicky Da Water Walker

BENZO BELLY BRAINWASHING

Benzo belly
« on: January 18, 2018, 12:35:40 am »

[Buddie]

Do you guys find the constant bloating all day and swelling makes your anxiety worse?

Re: Benzo belly
« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2018, 01:03:05 am »

[Buddie]

Yes it does i can ‘t even breath……
The hardest part is that every day i wake up my intestents hurt like hell right in my diaphragma.

Cult benzo tapers land Ashton devotees in psych ward

5 days out... superior stupidity
« on: January 19, 2018, 07:46:48 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello buddies,
I am entering day 5, again, if you check my signature last time
I had 5 days I was running to the hospital and ended up 6 days in a psych unit.. put back on a rapid taper, 3 days, I feel the same symptoms coming on, cognitive impairement,
Confusion, brain zaps, head pressure, burning skin, twitching fingers… I am and will ride this out.. not going to the hospital again so maybe I know what to expect, the part that scares me the most are the mild hallucinations I experienced last time…
I will not dwell on it…
Just ride it out…

Re: 5 days out... superior stupidity
« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2018, 12:16:37 am »

[Buddie]

How are you doing since being released from the psych ward? Did they help you? I was in the psych was Aug, Sept, Oct, and November. I’m pretty much like you-don’t want to go back so I’m riding it out at home. My newest crappy symptom is chest pain and racing heartbeat. I hope you feel better soon!

Benzo Buddies a haven for marijuana addicts

Mary Jane and Benzo Withdrawal
« on: December 26, 2017, 04:41:52 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi I am looking for some reail information on this subject of marijuana and benzo withdrawal. Medical marijuana and marijuana in general is legal where I live. I really don’t care to hear crap from people who are rigid and uptight and grew up thinking that weed was bad. Marijuana is no worse than alcohol so anyone that feels otherwise please don’t comment. I hate the close-mindedness of that kind of crap.

Re: Mary Jane and Benzo Withdrawal
« Reply #1 on: December 26, 2017, 04:44:02 pm »

[Buddie]

And one other quick thing if anyone of us was prescribed marijuana instead of benzos we wouldn’t have this problem right now that we all have.

Re: Mary Jane and Benzo Withdrawal
« Reply #2 on: December 26, 2017, 04:47:42 pm »

[Buddie]

I was wondering this, too. I have cbd hemp oil and have read it’s great for anxiety. But I have also read that you can’t take it with antidepressants. Weed is a beneficial for lots of things! My husband swears by it and up until 4 months ago, I smoked like a chimney.

Re: Mary Jane and Benzo Withdrawal
« Reply #3 on: December 26, 2017, 04:49:24 pm »

[Buddie]

Found this for starters:

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/801982-CBD-for-anxiety-benzo-withdrawal

Re: Mary Jane and Benzo Withdrawal
« Reply #4 on: December 26, 2017, 04:55:15 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on December 26, 2017, 04:47:42 pm
I was wondering this, too. I have cbd hemp oil and have read it’s great for anxiety. But I have also read that you can’t take it with antidepressants. Weed is a beneficial for lots of things! My husband swears by it and up until 4 months ago, I smoked like a chimney.

[…]

I’ll bet the right kind of weed obtained from a medical dispensary could really help us. I have smoked marijuana before in the past and it has been very relaxing. Personally I would rather take the edible type than ingest smoke into my lungs. I wish there was more research done on this subject because I think for open-minded people this would help a great deal.

Luckily I live in a part of the United States where medical marijuana is legal and marijuana has also just become legal.

Benzos and other psychiatric drugs are far worse than alcohol or marijuana. I think of them more like an LSD type of drug. So nobody should sit in judgment of somebody that wants to smoke a little weed if they are popping pills. I ended up on these shity pills because a doctor recommended it for me for job stress back in the 1990’s. I wish she told me to run or do yoga or to smoke weed instead. If that was the case I wouldn’t be having these problems right now.

End Psychiatry vows to arrest mental health bullies

Benzo Buddies member sees flea on dog, spends entire night shaking

Help please
« on: December 16, 2017, 12:47:15 pm »

[Buddie]

in summer was going to go to liquid titration but stayed doing dry cuts. Well I was doing good until I think I cut too much too quickly and got to .50 mg klonopin and day 2/3 I hit massive anxiety/my entire body trembling and shaking all night-partially it was a build up I think of general anxiety and also I saw a flea on my dog and that was it-but it coincided with the dosage lowering.
My question is did I do the right thing by upping my benzo back to around .75mg? Also having weird dreams, can’t eat, can’t sleep.
I am wondering if it is better to up all the way to 1 mg and then start daily micro taper after I stabilize. Will I stabilize?
Please help.

Kooks diagnose each other with hernias after eating ice cream

Please help just woke up with this I'm scared
« on: December 07, 2017, 03:44:23 am »

[Buddie]

I just got woken up with this, my heart was betting kind of fast, both my hands felt like they fell asleep feeling, then I started feeling really strange I didn’t know what was going on I ran to bathroom I felt weird as hell like I was going to pass out felt very thirsty pain in my chest my stomach bloated right up and I could feel like every nerve in the muscle pulsating this was scary. I did eat some ice cream and had a pretty vigorous hike today hunting can someone help me?

Re: Please help just woke up with this I'm scared
« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2017, 04:39:08 am »

[Buddie]

Hi, It’s the Ice cream that has bloated you and it sounds like maybe you have a Hiatus Hernia…withdrawal can cause them..the vagus nerve was Irritated by the bloat, hence the heartbeat hard and strange feeling..It will pass as the bloat goes down. the vagus nerve control’s all of this …heartbeat urinary tract ect. Tass.

Re: Please help just woke up with this I'm scared
« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2017, 09:22:28 am »

[Buddie]

Please don’t diagnose people with hernias or anything else. It’s hell on one’s potential health anxiety and there’s zero actual evidence to prove that that is what is wrong with the other person, but I bet it makes them nervous.
All those symptoms sound like withdrawal. I’ve had every one of them and I’m 110% sure I don’t have a hernia.

Nhbuck, you probably just overdid it today. I bet you dollars to doughnuts that you’ll be feeling better in a day or two. Maybe go easy on the dairy and sugar for a few days and see if that helps. Maybe take a walk tomorrow instead of a hike. I think a little exercise is good, but I know I feel weird If I do too much. Apparently vigorous hunting is too much right now. I hope you feel better soon.