Holiday horror stories pile up as Benzo Buddies members realize Ashton tapers have destroyed their lives

What's the point in trying anymore? (Trigger warning)
« on: December 24, 2019, 08:32:14 pm »

Ptsdmiracle

In 3 months it will be a year off, I have not noticed much improvement. I was slammed into complete dysfunctional and debilitating symptoms causing me to be housebound, and I’m still the same. Cognitive, emotional, mental, physical symptoms are still there when I compare the symptom list I created back in march. I’ve lost a year already. I keep thinking even if I do manage to recover to some functioning level, I’ll never be able to have the life I’ve worked so hard for. I won’t be able to return to my career if my health and sleep isnt 100%, because of the high demand even on a healthy body the stress can be high. I needed to be able to sleep on demand with high quality refreshing naps because of the unpredictable nature of workload. I’ll never be able to go through childbirth because I’m forever traumatized and paranoid that any meds or stress can send me back to acute, I wouldn’t want my kids to witness this let alone not have a healthy happy mother. I’ve cut ties with all my old friends for the past year, how am I ever going to explain to them what happened? Everyone had high hopes for me, now if they knew, I’d be the main topic of gossip in their circles. My social circles and even my extended family who are my generation are all high functioning healthy successful soon to be quite wealthy young adults.

So what’s left for me in this world? I feel like a parasite now, surviving on what the elders in my family can provide for me, and maybe when I recover I might “upgrade” to being a functional hermit.

It’s very difficult for me to have hope and be optimistic and grateful this holiday season. Especially since I’ve been waiting and waiting for symptoms to lessen or go away, but my brain has 24/7 been trapped in this alternate universe that’s hell. I also never have windows, not even glimpses of near normalcy. My brain is so far gone. When I was 22, I wanted to reach 30 because this is the year I could really start settling down and building my life after moving everywhere for training and work. Now that I’m 30, ironically, life is already over. and all I think about is dying so that misery isn’t prolonged.

For those that read this sad and dark post, thanks for listening. Anyone have any uplifting words to say I appreciate even more. I just don’t know the point anymore.

Re: What's the point in trying anymore? (Trigger warning)
« Reply #1 on: December 24, 2019, 08:44:38 pm »

[Buddie]

So, I have been ill and unable to work and largely housebound since 1996. All my then friends have had careers and bought homes and had families. I have nothing.

You will almost certainly feel well enough to live a worthwhile life in another year or two.

If your life is pointless where does that leave me? I am 51 now and even if I survive WD I will still have the underlying physical issues I was on Benzos for.

What does it say about all chronically sick or disabled people?

You have no idea where life will take you. Once your get through this you will be stronger and more determined than any of your friends plus you should have some real empathy, something g they will never learn unless something shit happens to them because it sounds like you all live a very entitled and unthinking life.

You will be fine.
« Last Edit: December 24, 2019, 09:01:56 pm by [Buddie] »

Re: What's the point in trying anymore? (Trigger warning)
« Reply #2 on: December 24, 2019, 08:53:21 pm »

[Buddie]

I know how you are feeling as im on the same boat.

I found my thinking about life is totally controlled by my sx at that moment. Even when sx is less intense with a brain kind of working for a minute, my perspective would be totally different, planning for thousands stuff for life. You are closer to healing everyday, once that day comes, your confidence, desire, motivation will be back more than ever.

When the sx are strong and you are still in depth of this process, try not to think tomorrow or future. Our thinking in this process is irrational only based on what we feel at the moment.

Just focus on each day and keep going. You survived almost a yr and will survive more days that comes, until you dont have to live by surviving moment by moment and then only enjoy every moment.

When these thoughts come, just vent here and we are around to listen to it. It will pass, possibly in just a few hours when the sx are lessoned.

The nightmare that is Benzo Buddies

“William Steven and William Smith, you both are 100% correct. I was a member at BB for about a year. While I met some great people there, the majority were almost all anti-doctor, anti-psychiatry and extreme. It was so beyond sad when people were at the end of their rope and suicidal. If people got a chance nectar mod came along to stop the suicide posts, members were jumping in to say DUDE. STAY AWAY FROM PSYCHIATRY AND FOR FUCK’S sake do NOT ENTER A HOSPITAL TO SAVE YOU FUCKING LIFE. 🤬

Every damn thing in the world causes a ‘wave.’ From a sugar free candy to the wrong minerals in water. It’s so pathetically saddening. MADDENING. I began to buy into pushing through while I was having awful insomnia, depression to the point of suicidal ideation, all while going through family difficulties which were beyond heartbreaking and enough to level anybody, mentally healthy and the already distraught. For some reason I got caught up in the cult mentality and was, no matter what, going to finish my taper. That’s until I found myself literally thinking that death might be the way out of my misery over more losses in my life. I finally left that place and realized that I needed help. I reinstated my Benzo, although at 1/4 of my highest dose and started an antidepressant. I might not need these drugs forever, but by God I not only needed meds, but I needed to GTFO of that sewer of cultists and people who clearly presented as those in desperate need of meds themselves. Thank Christ I came to my senses, and perhaps if I’d never read anything on that site I’d have not ever thought of suicide. God help vulnerable people who join BB and buy into the crazy thinking there.”

http://cesspoolofmadness.com/?page_id=53385#comment-1097733

“I am typing this on my phone as I lie on my bathroom floor…”

This is ridiculous!
« on: September 01, 2019, 09:32:59 am »

[Buddie]

“Here I am typing this on my phone as I lie on my bathroom floor, where I have found myself on numerous occasions over the past 12 months, pondering how the hell I can survive any longer.

I feel like I’ve reached the end this time, that I have no more left to give. My withdrawal has been no more or less brutal than anyone elses but my issues externally to this keep lining up and seem insurmountable at best. Perhaps it’s the benzo lies talking, perhaps not….who really knows what they’re thinking is rational or not in this situation?!

But right now everything feels too hard. Maybe this is a cry for help…knowing nothing and no-one can fix this though, essentially renders it useless. Errrrrrrmagod

I hope everyone whom finds themselves in a similar position right now finds the strength and courage to keep moving forward.
Love Peace and Taco Grease
✌️

15 month Klonopin taper failing after Benzo Buddies runs John123 into a ditch

Moving Residences During the Taper; Ever Done Before?
« on: August 16, 2019, 03:37:10 pm »

John123

Hi BB. My taper is going pretty well since I started in early March. I taper 5% every 2 weeks on a daily dry cut basis of Klonopin. My main withdrawal symptoms are persistent low level anxiety, some brain fog, agitation and chest pressure. I call this my Window. Every few weeks I seem to get a wave for about 2 days where I am basically laid up in bed immobilized. I do not currently work.

My taper of 15 months is scheduled to end on June 1 next year. It now looks like I will have to move out of State ( in the US) during this taper.

My question is whether any BB out there has had to move residences during their taper and how did it go? This would be helpful for me even if the move is not far.

Thank you!


I currently take Kolonopin 1.5 mg per day. I am planning to start on 2/25/19 to taper using the Mortar and Pestle method and scale. I am planning to start with a very conservative taper schedule and see how I do for the first two months.

Current symptoms: waking up very early with chest pressure and panic, morning chemical anxiety, brain fog, headaches, difficulty concentrating.

Radiophobia: Benzo Buddies member 4mom’s x-ray panic

Re: Can an X-ray cause sxs? I’m getting one tomorrow?
« Reply #8 on: August 07, 2019, 05:26:08 pm »

4mom

My system is super sensitized by lex taper, had severe reactions to almost everything in the universe, magnesium, all meds, supplements, msg, aspartame, I passed out for 15 minutes after a mri for my back. I was not anxious or scared I swear. It’s the strong magnets.

Even that insanely sensitive, I didn’t have reaction to xray

Brainwashed Benzo Buddies members can’t leave homes, trips outside cause panic

Frustrated with social anxiety
« on: April 27, 2019, 03:18:15 pm »

[Buddie]

Sleep and appetite are good right now which is a relief considering start of my taper. Still frustrated with social anxiety that comes and goes since I’m not usually socially anxious at all. To the point that a dinner with my wife and trip to grocery store are unsettling. 🙁
Has anybody else experienced social anxiety even in normally comfortable situations?
Know I should be grateful I’m not having worse SXs but this still is bothersome and I’d love for it to pass sooner than later!

Re: Frustrated with social anxiety
« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2019, 03:39:08 pm »

[Buddie]

Yes this is intense for me as well. I do actually already suffer from this but it is WAY worse during my taper. Leaving my house puts me in straight panic.

Re: Frustrated with social anxiety
« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2019, 04:27:46 pm »

[Buddie]

Social anxiety is my major symptom in addition to tinnitus. Like you said, even going to a restaurant can unsettle me. But I do it and I even go to rock/blues/jazz/classical concerts. The anxiety usually subsides as I drink a few beers and start to focus on the music. I had never had an issue like this before. I hope it will disappear once I’m done with my taper.

Ain’t no love in the heart of the city: Girlfriend dumps addict for man who isn’t tapering Klonopin for 1000 years

Dumped during taper
« on: April 10, 2019, 12:33:03 am »

[Buddie]

Just lost one of the key players in my support network. She said, “I can’t do this for another 6 months, year, however long it’ll be before you’re better. I love you, I want you to get better, and I don’t want to be with anyone else. But I just can’t do this anymore. I have to let go. I have to live my life”

This was 2 weeks ago. I tried to remain her friend, but she couldn’t help but rub her new relationship in my face. When I’d finally had enough and blocked her number, and on social media, she got pissy and finally left me alone. It’s strange how the ones we love the most can end up being the most toxic. Prior to this she would always be at my bedside. Checking in on me every day. Assuring me I’d get through this and that I’m strong for having made it this far.

I found myself up-dosing. I messed up. I let her hurt me even more. I’m trying to get back down to 0.5mg Klon per day, but the nights without her are much harder. Maybe I shouldn’t have been dating in this state. She tapered off klon a long time ago, I thought she’d be more understanding.

If anyone’s suffered a blow like this during taper, any advice would be appreciated.
(I know, “Try not to think about her, occupy your mind with other things.” I got that much, I’m trying.)

Pothead begs Benzo Buddies for help

17 yrs benzo and 17 months off + weed
« on: April 10, 2019, 09:44:26 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello to all of you :),

I am extremely happy I found this forum.  :laugh: I am 35 yrs old male single. I was diagnosed with depression/ADD/ADHD when I was 17. The dosage I consume is very consistent throughout the years, 1 benzo and 1 anti depressant. Two years ago, I discover weed reduces my anxiety and sleep so much. I started to hang out with pothead friends then I found out benzo is @(*#! I cold turkey 17 months ago and I created a new habit of smoking pot. Everyday, all day none stop. A year ago, I didn’t smoke for a month and I still had serve symptoms. So I continue to consume cannabis ever since.

symptoms :

anxiety
dizziness and headache
foggy brain, there is like a pressure in the brain
muscle tightness entire body
impossible to have a good posture
extremely isolated with reality
depression
memory lost
hard to concentrate
heart palpitate
hypersensitive to noise, sounds, light
chest pain
hard to breath
blurry eyes
foggy brain
eeeeeeeeeeeeeee on my ear
coordination
directional lost

psychological :

family and friends are the biggest joke ever
2019 we communicate with our fingers and eyes on screen, I can’t stand the fact that people don’t reply or take my messages seriously. I get extremely upset that I would just give up and block the person right away. Why not call?
suicidal thoughts
severe repetitively negative thoughts
especially on tinder ( dating app ) I talk to ppl with respect but I get mistreated, like super mad with these girls. I know their mindset is not very healthy to begin with. Anyway I deleted the app yesterday.
tons of childhood memory came back
unable to maintain any relationship
fear of going out
takes a lot of effort to do a simple thing. ( going to grocery store, food )
is it weed or is it benzo withdrawal
nobody understand and sometimes I think I am crazy
feeling hopeless
tire, fatigue feeling all day
I do get this weird feeling coming back and forth. Sometimes it’s not obvious so I don’t know how to describe it. All of sudden my chest and heart have this tingling feel. It is hard to breath and then it’s gone.

For the past one and half year, I didn’t do anything. Blaze and youtube everyday. Whenever I tell someone my benzo withdrawal. They couldn’t understand and most of them want to argue with me. I don’t have any friends anymore, I don’t talk to my family.  Sometime, I feel extremely lonely but I am so afraid I will end up any relationships. I can’t afford to loose more friends. Is it me or is this benzo withdrawal????????

FM2(Flunitrazepam): Modipanol/Rohypnol        ***7 years
Syndoman 30mg.  FLURAZEPAM HCL                    ****4 years
MESYREL 50MG TRAZODONE HYDROCHLOR
LENDORMIN Brotizolam
Valdoxan Agomelatine

I only take 1 benzo and 1 anti depressant a day. Like the tablets we see from normal pharmaceutical drugs.

My apology for the long and boring words. It’s just so much anxiety even typing these out.

Best,

[…]

Accidental addict gets arrested after getting wasted on booze and Xanax

Made a Bad Mistake, Xanax and Alcohol. Now in Legal Trouble Advice Please
« on: March 28, 2019, 03:53:13 pm »

[Buddie]

Hi Gang…I havnt posted in a while, I check the site from time to time. I need help/advice and this site has always been a good source of both. I will be brief and to the point….I am currently on 3mgs of Xanax per day. I tried to taper I tapered Librium in 2016, but failed. I have not increased my xanax for over a Year…but I Made a huge mistake of not realizing it had lost aot of its effect as tolerance set in, and so I combined alcohol Twice a week , every week to just escape the stress of Life. Well, I was cited for Physical Control, and have now been put on probation and have a court ordered Substance Abuse Assessment to be arranged within the Week, prior to a Pre-Trial Hearing in May. It has now been a full week since my last escape day using alcohol. I am feeling stressed…scared…cloudy and very little coping skills. I assume sooner or later my GP who writes my scripts will be involved in what has happened. Anyone faced something similiar and have any advice on a taper…hold stead…add an anti depressant…etc. Thank you in advance. I will adjust my Signature Line

Re: Made a Bad Mistake, Xanax and Alcohol. Now in Legal Trouble Advice Please
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2019, 09:41:52 pm »

[Buddie]

Congrats on full week no alcohol, […]. Alcohol and benzo’s do not make good companions, they make things worse.

I’d try and hold steady if I were you. This at least, will keep one positive thing still in place. But really up to you.

I’d also talk to my doctor to at least have noted that you are not coping with “life” at the moment, it might assist your case.

I’m not suggesting that you have alcoholism […], only you can know that, but going to an AA meeting mightn’t be a bad idea either. You will find many people there who will offer you support and advice, and might even trigger you into thinking about your use of alcohol as a coping mechanism.

I no longer drink myself, and it is so much better.

Going to AA will also assist your case, though I hope you take your drinking seriously following this experience.

We can’t escape life with alcohol and other drugs […], and who would want to? Life can be good.

I used to go to AA years ago and it helped. They have a saying in AA which asks that people deal with “life, on life’s terms”. There is no escape in alcohol and other drugs, only further entrapment.

Hope everything works out well for you […]. Put yourself first this time, and think about others, too.

[…]

Edit: I come from Australia and do not know what being “cited for Physical Control”, means.
If it entails violence, even greater reason to examine your use of alcohol and other drugs. Many people in gaol today who can’t rememember being violent when under the influence of both.
Be aware.

D.

« Last Edit: March 29, 2019, 09:57:23 pm by [Buddie] »

Re: Made a Bad Mistake, Xanax and Alcohol. Now in Legal Trouble Advice Please
« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2019, 01:49:46 pm »

[Buddie]

Thanks for the reply. Physical Control means you are in a vehicle not driving, not started…but under the Influence. It is a fair law that allows Law enforcement to charge someone who may not be driving at that particulair minute…but you are in the Drivers Seat and therfore responsible for being under the influence. I realized after 20 plus Years of taking Benzos as prescribed that I have reached tolerance long ago. So I began to combine alcohol to escape briefly was has become a tough place in Life. I did this once or twice a Week….thankfully not anymore or I would have another problem with Alcohol withdrawl. One of my Main questions for the Site is what if any Impact will 20 Years of Benzo use have on the Judges decision on a sentence. I am in a place of Leadership in my Community and know that most will not understand the effects of 2 decades of Benzo use has on a person. I realize I am responsible. I should have dealt with this Benzo Dependancy a long time ago. I made some attempts but was unable to break free. Besides Support ….I was looking for insight by anyone on the Board who has brought up Benzo use for a Misdemenor Traffice Violation that is looked upon as pretty much the same as DUI.