Benzo Buddies member goes back on benzos after brutal Ashton taper fails and is doing great!

a lifetime of decisions, and a long weird path back towards reinstatement
« on: July 17, 2019, 06:37:35 pm »

[Buddie]

Hello,

I had initially kept this post to a handful of staff members, but was encouraged to feel free to make a more public post.

Put simply, I am back on benzodiazepines after an extended period off, and while I have deep reservations about this, after eight months it does not yet seem to have been a mistake.

Abbreviated backstory: I was on benzos for a number of years in late adolescence / early adulthood for anxiety based reasons. I had mild tinnitus at that time (possibly attributable to many things, including a distant history of childhood ear infections). Tapering was brutal and took me 14 months, and I wrapped that up sometime in 2005. I don’t recall tinnitus ever being a problem, except briefly during parts of the taper.

In 2010, an acoustic trauma did some significant damage to my auditory system, the tinnitus turned into a wailing monster, and I used benzos again for about a year before tapering again. I spent 2011-2015 basically miserable, highly functional but chronically consumed with the violent, often painful, extremely high pitched noise in my skull. I tried all kinds of things; if there is a supplement, drug, medical practice, massage practice, alternative medicine practice that someone on Google says helped their tinnitus, I probably tried it. I also tried doing “nothing”; I learned to meditate. I learned to sleep with earplugs in spite of the noise. I spent a lot of money; I spent $10,000 to be a lab rat in one clinical trial alone (lots of travel involved).

I remain hopeful about the tinnitus treatments that are in the pipeline, but a little voice continued to say “I need to do something now”, as my life sort of passed before my eyes. I achieved significant professional success. I was able to relocate out the city to a pristine, quiet area in 2016. This did all make me feel better in some ways, but still the noise.

In late 2015, unrelated medical circumstances forced me to consider short-term PRN use of Valium, and, of course, I discovered that it still “worked” as far as taking my mind off the tinnitus. From early 2016 until November of last year, I used Valium PRN; when the tinnitus would become absolutely intolerable, I would take enough to knock it way back (usually 10-20mg over 24-36hrs), and then try to not do that again for 3-4 weeks. I became a parent over this time period, and I realized that the times I was the most medicated were also the times I felt the most joy and connection with my child. By July of 2018, I was agonizing over the idea of reinstatement, but I wasn’t sure.

I made a list of every possible tinnitus remedy that seemed reasonably attested which had not yet been attempted. It was a pretty short list which included some out there ideas like “cervical chiropracty” and “microdose psilocyban”. None the less, I crossed these items off my list as I tried them. Finally, in late November of last year, well supported by a medical team (including a prescribing doctor who is deeply aware of the hazards of benzos and necessity of a slow withdrawal), I elected to resume daily benzo use. After 2 weeks at 25% of the dose I’d previously been on long term, things felt very bad; more or less, I felt like I was in withdrawal, and I almost aborted the experiment then and there. One of my medical team persuaded me to at least attempt my full prior dose for some period of time; I also elected to supplement it with gabapentin based on some research into the combination for tinnitus specifically (and the general observation that gabapentin is much less scary than benzos, so if it can be used to supplement a benzo dose and reduce benzo consumption, that’s probably a win).

More or less I had a one month “honeymoon” where life seemed too good to be true, and as expected, that faded as tolerance became obvious and peripheral side effects also vanished. However, what I am left with, so far, is a life which is much more manageable. It’s hard to put numbers on things, but the tinnitus is more distant, it’s generally less disturbing when it does get my attention, and I’ve been able to make significant progress in my family life, in my professional life, and in therapy, which had been blocked by the state of utter discomfort, misery and despair that my tinnitus had thrown me into. The general observation of my spouse is that I am easier to talk to, more likely to listen to them, less likely to snap, and more likely to be sympathetic and caring in general.

To make a few things clear:
This was my choice and I would not encourage anyone else to do the same thing. No one’s circumstances are identical. For all I know, my use of benzos during developmental years caused problems that couldn’t self-fix, and if not for that I might not be in this situation at all. Likewise, if I had taken better care of my ears, or had better genetics around hearing, tinnitus and anxiety, I might not be in this situation. But, that doesn’t matter: the way things are, is the way things are.

I do not know the long term results of this (and neither do you) – I waited more than six months before posting this because I wanted to be sure a beneficial effect that outweighed my reservations about benzo use, would persist for some period of time after obvious tolerance had set in. It’s entirely possible that this will “stop working” at some point, and I will be left with my generally terrifying tinnitus on top of having to do another taper. But, it’s also possible that won’t happen (one of my family members has taken Klonopin with no loss of efficiency for more than 15 years) – and it’s further possible that some of the tinnitus treatments which are currently in the experimental or early marketing phase will turn out to be extremely effective, at which point attempting another taper might seem very rational to me.

I agonized over this decision more than you can possibly imagine over a five year period; eight months in, it’s given me eight of the best months of the last 10 years of my life. I am happy to answer any reasonable questions, but I ask that you respect my right to autonomy and decision making over my own body.

Addict thanks Ashton and Benzo Buddies for wasting three years of her life

The Beginning of My Third Year Tapering
« on: April 05, 2019, 12:24:23 am »

[Buddie]

April 2017, I started tapering 2 mgs of Xanax, my stomach was killing me, had all the tests, all came back showing nothing, lucky enough my husband found an article discussing benzos and stomach pain and it all fell together.  I immediately cut way too much, having no knowledge of what I was doing, but I was lucky in that the next day I started researching.  I didn’t find the Ashton Manual or BB then , just enough information to go back up immediately, the word stroke scaring me to death.  Started back down, still way too fast, withdrawals really bad.  Anxiety off the roof, shaky, heart palpitations, muscle pain, and many others.  Mostly in terrible shape.  In October, after lowering about .05 xanax found Ashton Manual, got my pain Dr to help and managed to come down another.25 for a total of.75 Xanax.  Horrible withdrawals, found BB, thank goodness, and decided to crossover to Valium, which also turned into a nightmare, my body just hated it, sedated, sick, had crossover too fast, having xanax withdrawals also.  It was awful.   I made many more mistakes during the next year, this is so hard, not the same rules for anyone.  My main symptom through all of this has been bad muscle pain, still is.  I am writing this for the people who are around a year into this and think they can’t go on, you can.   I am down to 10.56 Valium from 40 mg .  I am now doing a daily liquid micro taper, much easier than cut and hold for me, and just had a three week window, I had never had one.  So if I can make all the mistakes I did and be as miserable as I have been, know you can keep on.  Keep reading all over BB to find the way for you, ask questions, learn, get advice……my best advice, taper slowly, so many of us have run into so many walls wanting to speed this process up, all the heartache, pain and time we would have saved , if we had just slowed down.  Ashton is a fast taper for most of us, it’s a good taper but cut that % down or stretch the time frame out.  You will be glad you did.  I was on Xanax for 3 years, never dreamed this could happen, am sure you didn’t either.  I hope this helps someone, I am not a great writer like so many on here, but I wanted to share, you are not alone in your mistakes, not anything wrong you have done has not been done before and those people still healed.  Good luck everyone, you CAN do this too, it won’t be easy and it is going to take a while.   🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀 […]….read the success stories, they help!

Gratitude for psychiatry

Excerpts from benzo cult hero Stevie Nicks’ shocking new bio

  • Grammy winning singer-songwriter, Stevie Nicks snorted so much cocaine and became so addicted to the drug that she had to be shadowed to keep from falling off stage when performing and needed to have someone tuck her into bed at night
  • The Queen of Rock and Roll in the 1970s and 1980s not only had a huge hole in her nose from the cocaine, but she was warned of the imminent possibility of a brain hemorrhage if she kept up her high level of consumption
  • But it was the shocking rumors that she had reverted to using the devil’s dandruff in her vagina and rectum for the ultimate high that was the eventual motivation for her to go into rehab in 1986 at the Betty Ford addiction treatment center in Minnesota
  • The Fleetwood Mac singer admitted: “You could put a big gold ring through my septum. It affected my eyes, my sinuses. It was a lot of fun for a long time because we didn’t know it was bad. But eventually it gets hold of you, and all you can think about is where your next line is coming from”
  • “All of us were drug addicts. But there was a point where I was the worst drug addict. I was a girl, I was fragile, and I was doing a lot of coke and I was in danger of brain damage,” she told author Stephen Davis for his upcoming book, Gold Dust Woman: The Biography of Stevie Nicks

Benzo Buddies member: ‘Jennifer Leigh not benzo qualified’

Re: Has anyone here had a consultation with Dr. Jennifer Leigh?
« Reply #17 on: June 27, 2017, 04:22:38 am »

[Buddie

I must speak. I has contact with this woman years ago. She has no benzodiazepine qualifications. She was unable to comprehend grammar school science. Now she promotes herself as an expert She remains impressed with her uneducated self substituting sidling up to people whom she considers prominent. Syncophant. Potential buyers, beware. She is unqualified Soothing words with authoritative airs are not worth $100 an hour up front yet!

Benzos not to blame for singer’s death

Ativan cures migraines

The effectiveness of ibuprofen and lorazepam combination therapy in treating the symptoms of acute Migraine: A randomized clinical trial.

CONCLUSIONS: Given the greater effectiveness of combination therapy with Ibuprofen and Lorazepam in alleviating the symptoms of acute migraine compared to single-drug treatments with Ibuprofen, Lorazepam is recommended to be used as a first line treatment for acute migraine.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/28461864/?i=10&from=ativan