Addict fantasizes about murdering family after joining Benzo Buddies anti-doctor cult

Fear of Going Home
« on: May 08, 2019, 09:36:08 pm »

[Buddie]

I’m having a really hard time wanting to go home after work. I feel anger toward my family and have intrusive thoughts. I’ve had these things for so long that I’ve formed an aversion to my home. Don’t know what to do at this point. Never thought this would happen at nearly 14 months off. Does anybody have this? Does this sound like benzo withdrawal at all? I may have to quit my job and move at this point.

Re: Fear of Going Home
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2019, 10:01:47 pm »

[Buddie]

Yeah, I think you begin to associate all this horror with your home, and family, and job, and everything around you, and you feel like getting away from it all. I used to hate being at home. I’d just get in the car and drive around the mountains for the whole day. Anything to get away. Of course, if you have a lot of anger, you might not want to go driving around. Might turn into road rage. But maybe some long walks might help.

Re: Fear of Going Home
« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2019, 12:32:14 am »

[Buddie]

You might have some other psychological issues (LOL – editor). This is not a criticism but your posts suggest it and your benzo doses were never very high. Maybe some cognitive behavioral therapy to help you deal with these negative thought patterns. Quitting your job and moving wont change a thing in my opinion. Best of luck.

Re: Fear of Going Home
« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2019, 02:05:35 am »

[Buddie]

Been seeing a therapist since July. I started seeing a second therapist in April too. Nothing has helped.

All I know is that when I quit benzos the second time I didn’t sleep for a full month and it felt like I was going into states of psychosis. I had suicidal ideation up to about a year off. That has eased off and it’s morphed into this fear of going home and fear and anger around other people, particularly my family.

Benzo Buddies member wistful over days benzos made her feel happy and high all the time

remember when benzos made you feel good??
« on: March 26, 2019, 08:36:10 pm »

[Buddie]

does anyone remember when benzos made them feel good and wonder how it got to this point of feeling like hell and dying??
i felt really good on them for a period of about 3 years between 2014-2015-2016
but always had to combine it with energy drinks to feel alert and would feel so happy and high all the time
– it caught up with me and stopped feeling good in 2017
– very insidious drug
– tolerance withdrawal sneaks up on you without knowing it

« Last Edit: March 27, 2019, 07:49:41 pm by [Buddie] »

Father goes on bender as horrific cult abuse story of parents doing drugs in front of kids surfaces

Reintroduce myself after two years
« on: February 24, 2019, 01:48:49 pm »

[Buddie]

First of all I’m sorry for the run on sentence….I wasn’t completely sure where to post this but I need some kind of answers, I struggled for months after a cold turkey wd but eventually the sky opened and I was fine and back to my normal self besides benzos I would have an occasional drink but I was never a hard drinker and I started smoking marijuana regularly again, last week we had a run in with cps and I had to quit smoking bc my wife’s therapist told them we smoked in front of our children which wasn’t true we smoked in the garage whenever our son was awake anyway I turned to liquor for that week of not smoking I probably drank a bottle of crown a few beers and a bottle of wine or two then during the weekend I went to a ski resort with the guys from work and I drank HARD harder than ever I remember ordering a whole bottle of wine at one of the dinners needless to say I haven’t been feeling great and the symptoms are mimicking my ct withdraw slightly less in every way but I’m still in agony in and out of the dr and hospital most of this week just for them to say blood work and ekg are fine just high bp is the only thing they can see which leads me to my question did this onset some alcohol/ protracted benzo withdrawals or am I dying?? I’m so scared and feel like poo

Benzo Buddies members can’t stop crying after torture of years-long tapers

Cannot Stop Crying......
« on: December 09, 2017, 08:58:05 pm »

[Buddie]

From the relentless nonstop torture utter despair and sorrow this has all caused me
The sorrow is so deep
Please make it stop

Re: Cannot Stop Crying......
« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2017, 10:09:37 pm »

[Buddie]

I’ve so been there. Sending hugs.

Re: Cannot Stop Crying......
« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2017, 10:15:07 pm »

[Buddie]

Me too….. incredibly hard at times. ….and to make things worse my boyfriend basically gets upset with me and tells me to “get myeflf under control”. 🙁 Sending you comforting hugs.

Excerpts from benzo cult hero Stevie Nicks’ shocking new bio

  • Grammy winning singer-songwriter, Stevie Nicks snorted so much cocaine and became so addicted to the drug that she had to be shadowed to keep from falling off stage when performing and needed to have someone tuck her into bed at night
  • The Queen of Rock and Roll in the 1970s and 1980s not only had a huge hole in her nose from the cocaine, but she was warned of the imminent possibility of a brain hemorrhage if she kept up her high level of consumption
  • But it was the shocking rumors that she had reverted to using the devil’s dandruff in her vagina and rectum for the ultimate high that was the eventual motivation for her to go into rehab in 1986 at the Betty Ford addiction treatment center in Minnesota
  • The Fleetwood Mac singer admitted: “You could put a big gold ring through my septum. It affected my eyes, my sinuses. It was a lot of fun for a long time because we didn’t know it was bad. But eventually it gets hold of you, and all you can think about is where your next line is coming from”
  • “All of us were drug addicts. But there was a point where I was the worst drug addict. I was a girl, I was fragile, and I was doing a lot of coke and I was in danger of brain damage,” she told author Stephen Davis for his upcoming book, Gold Dust Woman: The Biography of Stevie Nicks

After 39 months of post-taper hell 68-year-old wants back on Xanax so he can live again

Better Off, Really?
« on: November 07, 2017, 05:58:24 pm »

[Buddie]

Well, I am 68. Off 13 years of benzos for 39 months now. To say this has been hell is being kind. I can’t think of a strong enough word. So, in the past years I seldom sleep. This has led to severe depression, extreme sadness, no life,no hope. I have aged externally and internally exponentially. Given my age I am believing now I would have been better off staying on. I know many heal, and I also know some do not. I am just venting here. I realize most comments will be stay strong and don’t give in and you will heal. I felt that way for many months and years. No more.

So, I am giving this through February. If after that I am not better, I am going back on and buying myself whatever good weeks or months I can grab. I can’t take years more of this. I see some have been 5 or more years struggling. Maybe if I were younger. I didn’t work 30 years and save money to now stay home and cry and hope. Which is worse really, no life or a short time of living again. Hmmmmm….

Dr. Jenn retires after being disabled by wave: “I don’t want to be a leader… no more coaching ever!”

Re: We are losing soldiers in the fight. Jennifer Leigh and Recovery Road
« Reply #5 on: August 15, 2017, 06:01:47 pm »

[Buddie]

Hey everyone. Colin or mods may pull this as I’m breaking anonymity here. I’m jennifer. My site will be taken down in six months. I’m
Retired from coaching. My set back is severe. After a very lengthy time of feeling healed I’m
Back in the snake pit. I will not risk my health ever again so I must stop working with benzo clients. The stress, as you can imagine, is too great. Baylissa’s site Baylissa dot com, is still up. I talk her her every morning. She’s still helping benzo people. She’s not leaving the community. I wish I was more well and could help. But I’m not and I can’t. It was an honor and a priveledge helping so many of you. Even though I’m in a set back I continue to believe that we do heal. Some take longer. But the outcome is recovery. Hold on. Don’t give up. Be good to yourselves.

Re: We are losing soldiers in the fight. Jennifer Leigh and Recovery Road
« Reply #6 on: August 15, 2017, 06:41:54 pm »

[Buddie]

Quote from: [Buddie] on August 15, 2017, 06:01:47 pm
Hey everyone. Colin or mods may pull this as I’m breaking anonymity here. I’m jennifer. My site will be taken down in six months. I’m
Retired from coaching. My set back is severe. After a very lengthy time of feeling healed I’m
Back in the snake pit. I will not risk my health ever again so I must stop working with benzo clients. The stress, as you can imagine, is too great. Baylissa’s site Baylissa dot com, is still up. I talk her her every morning. She’s still helping benzo people. She’s not leaving the community. I wish I was more well and could help. But I’m not and I can’t. It was an honor and a priveledge helping so many of you. Even though I’m in a set back I continue to believe that we do heal. Some take longer. But the outcome is recovery. Hold on. Don’t give up. Be good to yourselves.

jen,

i will pray for you. i will pray harder than i have for anyone yet. this can’t go on for long. god has to stop this and restore you your life.

Re: We are losing soldiers in the fight. Jennifer Leigh and Recovery Road
« Reply #7 on: August 15, 2017, 07:16:18 pm »

[Buddie]

Thank you. That’s very kind of you. I’m praying too, for all
Of us. Hopefully In another few weeks or months I’ll be back on my feet. Out in my garden. I’m working on a novel to distract me. Friends are cooking for me and taking care of me. God walked me through this once before. No reason to believe God will stop and let me walk the way to complete healing on my own.

Please know that we heal. If I didn’t believe this I wouldn’t have done the work I did all these years. I’ve seen clients get well. And I saw my own healing. I went from deranged after my cold turkey to functional. I even taught a class at Stanford. Had a bad wave from doing to much, then recovered from that. The last six months before this setback were the best in many many years. But, I guess I did too much. I’ve probably got a much more fragile CNS than most due to my years of trauma before Benzo’s. I over estimated my capacity for listening to others pain and suffering. It finally took its toll on me, along with The physical extertion I put myself under. You can avoid a setback if you take care of yourself. If you are an over achiever like myself, you’ll want to really watch yourself and slow down.

When I crawl out of this setback I’m dedicated to taking life easy. I don’t want to be a leader. I don’t want to be responsible for people’s lives in any way shape or form. No more coaching ever. I just want to write. Grow flowers. Be among friends and family. Hold my grandchildren. And appreciate every sunrise I’m given. This is my wild one and precious life, no matter how shattered it feels at the moment. It is mine.