Two years off benzos but belly keeps growing? Nah.

Benzo Belly - Please Help
« on: December 04, 2020, 10:20:51 am »

[Buddie]

Does anybody have any reassuring advice regarding benzo belly?
I’ve got a whole list of symptoms, but my worst one is my poor belly. I have it real bad.
I’ve put seven inches onto my waistline and look like I have a ten-pin bowling ball in my stomach, or that I’m eight months pregnant. And it hurts – and sometimes I struggle to breathe because of it.
No matter what I do it’s constantly inflamed and feels like it will burst some days.
I’ve been to my doctor who can’t find anything wrong but was alarmed by how much it’s distended. It doesn’t seem to be getting any […], and if anything is slowly getting bigger. It’s really embarrassing to go out looking like this, as the rest of me is pretty much normal, or as I used to look, but I have this massive gut that sticks out a mile.
And it’s rock hard to the touch – sometimes it really freaks me out – it’s not normal.
I’ll be off benzos for two years this coming January – and I’ve got a lot more healing to do, but can someone relate to my problem or give me hope that my stomach will eventually settle down and return to its normal size?
If I have to remain like this for the rest of my life it’s going to be a bit depressing and humiliating.
Here’s hoping for some replies.
Thank you.

Electroshock therapy could have cured this person

Updosing. WARNING
« on: December 01, 2020, 06:59:56 pm »

[Buddie]

Updosing . WARNING

I am in such a bad state I see updosing and then micro tapering as the only way I can withstand this.
I got on this roller coaster in 1990 quite innocently and not knowing what I was being given. Got dependent after about 4 weeks and went through hell when stopped suddenly. Was told it was a nervous breakdown. Panic attacks from the withdrawal led to diagnosis of Panic Disorder which they treated with Xanax. Doctor reassured me it was safe. I only realized what happened in 1990 and after was due to Xanax in 2018 when I found information about tolerance withdrawal as I got sick and was looking for answers. I was horrified at my reality.

I decided I had to taper. I started July 2019 using Ashton method and my NP. Crossed from 4mg Xanax to Valium. Psychiatrist wanted to do it too fast plus wanted to give me shock therapy which I didn’t need so I stopped seeing him.

I went through a host of symptoms but tried to be strong. I’m at 12mg Valium and it’s hell. I live alone. Only family in this country are my 2 kids who are 4 hours away. They don’t even call. I am existing on oats and banana smoothie for the last 6 months. I was hoping getting lower I would feel better. I’m not functioning at all. I won’t get into details but it’s very bad. I stopped driving 7 months ago. I’m now trying to get a walker to get to the bathroom and kitchen.

I now think my only way to try again is to updose to a functioning dose and try liquid micro taper. Believe me I have tried, I really have. I know updosing is not ideal but this is unbearable. No good will come of plodding on with no support, crippling symptoms almost 24/7.
I called 911 a week ago. They did ecg which was normal but asked if I wanted to go hospital. They’ve never asked this before so I figured it was covid situation.
ON TOP OF ALL THIS IM DEALING WITH MS DIAGNOSED IN 2013. This is too much for one person with no help and support.

What are your thoughts please?

I live in Ontario Canada and originally from the islands.

THIS is the result of an Ashton taper

I’m dying
« on: November 28, 2020, 01:06:58 pm »

[Buddie]

I’m dying I’m almost blind, my eyes doesn’t work anymore, my brain is shutting off, it almost doesn’t work anymore, I can’t talk, I didn’t sleep for 3 weeks, I’m brain dead, I lost all long term and short term memory, I lost all cognitive functions, I almost can’t move my hands and legs anymore, I can’t walk, my brain can’t produce picture anymore, I can’t eat, I’m confused, I’m weak. Sleep state is gone totally gone my brain doesn’t wake up anymore it is sleeping. He couldn’t write this his cousin here. Kindled 10 times, 6 months off it is getting worse and worse.

ADULTS ONLY, PLEASE

Disturbing nightmares TRIGGER WARNING
« on: November 18, 2020, 09:31:00 pm »

[Buddie]

I’m reducing valium was on 75mg in 2016 down to 23mg cut last night, so too early to notice anything from cut.
I also take micronised progesterone which is cross tolerant to the valium.
I also have terrible actual-factual real life problems I wont go into.
Anyway, I woke up around 6am, took my second dose of valium as I did not want to get up that early, went back to sleep and had a really disturbing nightmare that is so awful I cannot imagine how my consciousness conjured it up. I will be very vague as it may freak some people out.
It was in a carpark and involved a man who had obviously lost his self respect as he was very dirty and doing something in a public place, he obviously had some medical complaint and he was putting his carnal desires before his personal hygiene, his self respect and the respect for who he was with.
That’s all I will say.
I hope this isn’t going to be the shape of things to come.
I sometimes have dreams where I am lost in some strange place and have to find my way home, I like dreams they tell me a lot about my state of mind.
This tells me I feel lost.
I dream that I am still taking EE which I haven’t taken for a long time and don’t intend taking again.
This tells me I am depressed and long to have a happy feeling, yet ecstasy is false chemical happiness.
The disturbing dream represents me as the man, not the carnal but but the bit who has lost thier self respect and motivation and pride.
I would be scared to go to sleep if I thought I would have dreams more disturbing than that.

“Last night I Googled ‘can insomnia kill you?'”

Please help
« on: November 26, 2020, 12:41:22 pm »

[Buddie]

I’m terrified of this insomnia. Last night I googled “can insomnia kill you” and came across a fatal form of it. I feel like that’s what I have. All of the symptoms. Please tell me this is just withdrawal and not fatal insomnia. Anyone else have muscle twitching, sweating, vivid dreams when they finally do get sleep? I’m so scared. I’m officially off K 1 month today

Cult women give up everything to remain in Benzo Buddies

Lost my looks, my body....my life!
« on: November 22, 2020, 08:53:26 pm »

[Buddie]

Of all the horrible symptoms we suffer with each day, physical, mental, emotional….what about all this has done to our outward appearances? I used to take care in how I presented myself to the world. Showered daily, sometimes twice, always did my hair and makeup (not to an extreme, just so I could feel confident), dressed nicely, walked with my head up and a smile for everyone I met. Confident in my ability to go up to strangers and start a conversation and feel respected and liked.

Now, two years later I can’t even shower, let alone take care of my hair, looks, body. This has destroyed everything about my outward appearance. I have gone gray, lost so much hair, the texture of my hair is slimy and sticky feeling (even after washing), have gained so much weight from being immobile, my face is all broken out and greasy and the rest of the skin on my body is dry, peeling and looks so old. My eyes look like someone who’s extremely deranged. They have lost their color, I have bags and they are ALWAYS swollen. My eyes were so bright and blue now they are a dull gray without any spark.

I can’t even look anyone in the eye anymore (and I’m talking about my husband and children, since they are the only ones I see because I am housebound). How can I ever go back out into the world like this even if my brain and physical torture gets better? I don’t have hair that I can just pull back in a ponytail because of the extreme loss and texture. I don’t have skin that looks even one bit okay without foundation on. I don’t have any clothes that fit me anymore because of the extreme weight gain. And I have a closet full of beautiful clothing.

The people who have seen me since this terrible injury happened look at me as if I am a disgrace and the kindness and compliments I used to get, even from strangers, has turned into people treating me like I am a castaway.

How, how can I face the world again like this even if I ever heal? I know there has to be others out here who have lost their appearances too. How do we get our self-confidence back when our appearances have been destroyed?

Re: Lost my looks, my body....my life!
« Reply #1 on: November 22, 2020, 10:00:33 pm »

[Buddie]

I have no idea but I feel the same way. I used to be a runner and a gym fanatic, had amazing hair (I’m a hairdresser) and looked pretty good for my age. Now …. wow. I hope I don’t run into people I used to know because I look like I’ve been in a concentration camp. It’s changed the way I look I doubt I’ll ever go back to how I used to look again. But I’ll take that if it means “feeling” normal again. Because when we feel good, we look good. Well as much as someone who has gone thru a massive life changing trauma can look good! I’m sure burns victims wish for this all the time too. When I get down about it I think of them. And then I stop and I’m just greatful for what I do have. X we have a chance at healing and we just have to keep moving towards that goal x